How to Kill a Woman: A Guide for Writers
It’s completely acceptable to have her fatally shoved up a chimney by an orangutan. No, really. No-one will question it.
Death in a Play:
Consider, for your main man, a heroic sword fight to the death in a historic castle overlooking a sweeping vista of Scottish moors. Despite his flaws, it’s important that he die with dignity, valiantly battling his arch nemesis.
For the leading lady, off the top of my head, I’d say just have her fall in a river and drown. But make sure she’s holding a nice bouquet of flowers — that way it will be visually appealing for everyone when they find her bloated, drowned corpse.
Death, For Love:
For your loving male protagonist, make sure his love is as pure as the white dove. In an unparalleled exhibition of selflessness, have him die for all of humanity, enduring unimaginable ridicule and pain for the salvation of the very world that has persecuted him.
If your character is a woman, I don’t know? I’d probably just hurl her in front of a moving train and be done with it. Oh and make sure that the man she loves makes fun of her after she dies. Classic.
Death at the Hands of Mother Nature:
If you want a man to die struggling against the natural world, put him in a ship on the high seas — battling a gigantic whale. Facing impossible odds, have him navigate the turbulent waters with great skill, only meeting his end when the slashing whale tail rips through the hull.
For a woman braving the elements, on the other hand, a mere snowball is enough to vanquish her. Try making her a prostitute first, so that her constitution is made so fragile by her sin that a small packed ball of ice is sufficient to send her to her grave.
Death, Preceding Vampiric Resurrection:
If you choose death to create a vampire, have him die fighting a bear with his bare hands while hiking a treacherous mountain. With only his wits and considerable muscles, bring him to the brink of defeating a fully-grown grizzly before he is — at last — tragically overcome.
If you’re planning to create a vampiress, however, you’ve got some options. You could have her murdered by her fiancé the day before their wedding. Or you could have her die in childbirth. Or you could have her throw herself off a cliff right AFTER childbirth. They all get the job done.
Death in Science Fiction:
Have your fearless guy sacrifice himself fighting an unstoppable evil force, thus allowing the escape of other beloved characters. Even after his death, allow him to become one with forces of good, providing love and guidance from on high for the remainder of the story.
Have your girl die of a broken heart immediately after surviving childbirth. Make sure there’s nothing science-fiction related about the death. Actually, not even science-related.
Death in a Mystery:
For a debonair bachelor detective, return to the classic sword fight to the death. Increase the drama and heroism of it all by setting it on the edge of a terrifying cliff. Then, when our strapping sleuth can hold back the evil professor no longer, plunge him to his death.
For a woman, it’s completely acceptable to have her fatally shoved up a chimney by an orangutan. No, really. No-one will question it.
Caroline Beuley is a writer and high school English teacher based in Washington, D.C. Her comedy writing has been published in Weekly Humorist, Points-in-Case, The Belladonna, Maudlin House and more. Her pet peeves are outer space, the broil setting on ovens, and Wells Fargo. See more of her writing at carolinebeuley.com
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