How To Eat Clean
Windex apples, onions, and grapes until you can see your reflection.
Eat foods from the earth. Apples, potatoes, carrot tops, pumpkin vines, corn stalks, mud, bark and sycamore trees.
Eat whole foods. Devour a full cantaloupe, an entire jackfruit, or a blooming pistachio tree in one sitting.
Cut the clutter. More than one almond at a time makes you a hoarder.
Windex apples, onions, and grapes until you can see your reflection.
Eat foods in their natural state. Don’t dress a salad or skirt a steak.
Shop local. Break into your neighbor’s kitchen and raid their produce drawers.
Grout strawberries. Caulk cauliflowers. Lint roll lemons.
The leaner the protein, the milder the detergent.
Under-process foods when possible. Eat the banana in its peel. Instead of cheese, try curdled milk.
Degrease fats. Use your elbows to douse salmon with Krud Kutter Original Concentrated Greaser.
Snack only on foods you can name. If the slab of beef doesn’t look like a Hank or a Belinda, throw it out.
Do not eat refined carbs. If a potato has an attitude, rub it in dirt to humble it. Then, power wash the potato before putting it on your plate.
When preparing raw chicken, massage the carcass with an electric toothbrush. Do not skimp on the fluoride and marinate the chicken via a water pick.
Kale is fine.
Megan Rogers is a satire writer based in Northern California. Her Twitter is @MegRog01
