Housewarming Gift Guide for White Liberals Moving Into a Gentrifying Neighborhood
Celebrate the history of their neighborhood with a handmade board from one of the native trees that used to flourish here.
Congratulations! Your white liberal friend just bought a home, all-cash, in an “up and coming neighborhood” on the East End of your designated city. Welcome them home to their new space with one of these great gift ideas:
1. Pour Over Coffee Maker: The ritual of making coffee is so grounding. Plus, your friend will need the caffeine to give them the energy to be up at 3:15 each morning to drive past 18 public schools to get to the Montessori/Waldorf/Reggio Emilia/Russian School of Mathematics/International Baccalaureate hybrid private school their kids attend.
2. Artisanal Oak Cutting Board: Celebrate the history of their neighborhood with a handmade board made from one of the native trees that used to flourish before decades of redlining paved over the natural beauty of the area creating a literal hot spot.
3. Houseplant: A fiddle leaf fig in a hand woven basket from a cooperative in Uganda will go perfectly with either boho eclectic, mid-century modern, or sparse Scandinavian-inspired decor. Your gift will do double duty by improving air quality, since pollution is concentrated in poorer neighborhoods, and it will take city officials a minute to realize they need to relocate the polluting forces to a less “revitalized” corner of the city.
4. Monogrammed hand towels: Monogrammed towels are a timeless gift. Your friend will think of you every time they wash their hands after getting off their phone to post to Next Door about the “suspicious, dark-complected male” pruning rose bushes/walking a labradoodle/sitting on a front porch in the neighborhood. Phones have a lot of germs, and they will be on Next Door a lot!
5. Sound machine: The gentle pink sounds will help soothe them to sleep through the noise pollution they keep complaining about to local officials. They will be able to relax into a deep sleep, knowing their complaints will be heard by the city government that previously ignored them from the neighborhood’s original residents, and the comforting sounds of light rain, rain on leaves, or rain on the custom casement windows imported from the French countryside playing on their bedside table.
6. Soy-Wax Candle: Give your friend’s home a signature scent of vetiver or patchouli or santal. Burning one of these $105 candles with double cotton wicks will be the perfect way to unwind at the end of a long afternoon spent sitting in traffic while shuttling their kids between their lacrosse, fencing, and dressage lessons across town.
7. Gift certificate to local restaurant or coffee shop: Supporting local businesses, especially ones owned by other “pioneers” braving this new “destination neighborhood” is always great. Your friend will adore drinking that iced horchata latte from the Pilates studio/coffee bar down the road as they call the police to report each unhoused person they see on their drive back to their new home.
8. Doormat: Every door needs a doormat! Pick something with a cheeky saying, like, “GO AWAY” that gently reminds their more established neighbors to stay well out of range of their Ring doorbell, where they’ll make another posting to Next Door, just in case.
9. Boxwood Wreath: Highlight your friend’s freshly painted, colorful door that screams to the other neighbors in Benjamin Moore Sundance’s perky yellow, real estate prices have ballooned 500% and “WHITE PEOPLE ARE HERE NOW!”
10. Bottle of Wine: A bright, energetic bottle of Grüner Veltliner or a spicy Tempranillo are perfect options to gift your friend. Encourage them to pop open a bottle and savor the notes as they sit on their 6th floor balcony towering over the rest of their neighbors. They did it. They are homeowners, and now they can sit up on their new build and surveil the neighborhood, just like their ancestors.
Saba Khonsari is a writer based in Houston, Texas. Her work has appeared in two now defunct blogs and a monthly newsletter “Burning Mom,” channeling the low key rage of modern motherhood. Find her on Twitter at @lessismorefun or on Instagram as @khonsarisaba.
