Horrorscopes for Cuffing Season
It’s gonna be a terrible dating season for everyone!
Aries (March 21 — April 19)- Isn’t it nice to have someone to snuggle as it gets colder, Aries? Good thing your new boyfriend looks like he stepped out of an L.L. Bean catalog. Be warned: Aries is a fire sign, but cozying up fireside is not in your future. As the weather worsens, Mr. L.L. Bean switches his flannel button downs for sexy wool sweaters. And you, my precious Aries, are allergic to wool.
Taurus (April 20 — May 20)- As Venus descends into your eighth house, you’re shaken by a dark development. Your girlfriend’s family runs a Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving and they signed you up! How you react to this news will reveal your character and shape the rest of your holidays for eternity.
Gemini (May 21 — June 20) — Yes, you two made an adorable Baroness Maria and Captain von Trapp on Halloween. But don’t expect to be joined at the hip for long, Gemini. Your boyfriend starts playing Christmas music on November 1st.
Cancer (June 21 — July 22) — It’s so nice when summer babies find winter love and your meet-cute at the football tailgate looks like the real thing. As Mercury retrogrades in November, you’ll be consumed with thoughts of presents. What gift is appropriate to give after two months of dating? Is $25 too little to spend? What if he gives you a kitchen appliance, or worse, NOTHING, for the holidays?
(Spoiler alert: You’re getting a toaster!)
Leo (July 23 — August 22) — Let me keep it short and simple for you Leos (and Leo DiCaprio): No-Shave November does you no favors. Avoid it, and spare your partner the beard burn.
Virgo (August 23 — September 22) — The sun’s aligned with Saturn, sprinkling extra kink into your relationship. Good thing it gets dark at 6 p.m. so you can get dirty, Virgo! Oh, what’s this? The most creative suggestion your partner can muster is some Santa-naughty-girl action? Ho, ho, ho, he’s gotta go.
Libra (September 23 — October 22) — A slopeside cabin is a romantic spot for a getaway. And you, Libra, thought of everything: Board games, hot chocolate and matching PJs. Everything except for the flu meds. And now your boyfriend is whining over a sore throat while you’re stuck with the flu, cold and responsibility of nursing him back to health.
Scorpio (October 23 — November 21) — Scorpio, you’re ruled by planet Uranus, and you fight dirty. Nobody feels your fury like those who insist Die Hard is a Christmas movie. And isn’t Thanksgiving dinner a terrible time to learn your boyfriend disagrees. At least the comfort in knowing you defended the sanctity of Christmas movies will keep you warm at night.
Sagittarius (November 22 — December 21) — The mistletoe always seems to appear when you’re talking to your most awkward colleague at the holiday party, doesn’t it? Take the holiday bonus and run. Run far away from Kevin the sales guy and any company that hangs mistletoe. Do as we say, Sagittarius, and your New Year will be brighter.
Capricorn (December 22 — January 19) — Ooops! That was definitely rotten milk and not eggnog. Learn the difference, Capricorn, and your date won’t run screaming after you vomit all over his corduroy slacks.
Aquarius (January 20 — February 18) — It’s New Year’s Eve, you’re rockin’ stilettos and your boyfriend Ian is (for once) capturing your best angles for Instagram. You’re optimistic about 2020. But don’t get your hopes up, my dear Aquarius. Hangovers happen, shoes break and Ian’s mood after three days of January Whole 30 is not worth the photography skills.
Pisces (February 19 — March 20) — Romantic signs like Pisces go all out for Valentine’s Day: Morning cuddles, chocolate, flowers and cards. That doesn’t include the table you reserved last November. Don’t feel too bad when your significant other dumps you for someone who’s more adventurous. Soon it will be summer and way too hot to cuddle.
Megan Rogers is a comedy writer living in the SF Bay Area. Her Twitter is @MegRog01
