Honest Product Reviews: Charcoal tooth powder
No Miners Harmed in the Making of this Review
Price: $7-$29.97
Where to find: Amazon, Sephora, Target, Your local BBQ supply store
My rating: 5 tooths out of 6
Beauty black gold. I’ve found it, and I’m here to tell you, it’s 100% *all natural* (contains 0% baby foreskin!), will save you dozens of dollars (DOZENS), is ethically sourced, Earth-friendly, Goop-approved, beauty-blogger-mom-blogger-endorsed, is *carried by T.J. Maxx* and of course, is 100% mess-free.
You might think, just how can black carbon and ash residue produced from animal and vegetation substances be used to spruce up your smile?
Excellent question, I’d say.
Yes, that very same substance used by your Uncle Mitchell to make his *to-die-for* bison burgers (and also used to soak up the handle of vodka sloshing inside Aunt Marge’s stomach), is a game changer in the beauty sphere. YES, CHARCOAL MY FRIENDS. Light it on fire and grill your food with it, draw a portrait of your pug with it, medicate Grandpa’s “rearward wind” with it, filter your freaking water with it, and most importantly, alchemize your teeth from corn yellow to gleaming, ivory porcelain (no toilets or elephants harmed)! Miracle. product.
How to use it?
Take your newest, shiniest *bought on Instagram from a targeted ad* wall-mounted toothbrush, swipe it under the running faucet, and ram the soaking bristles into your jar of powder with some chutzpah.
Ostentatiously ignore the sooty molehills accumulated on your sink, shirt, feet and floor and scrub your teeth. As a rule of thumb, singing “Cinderelly, Cinderelly, night and day it’s Cinderelly, make the fire, fix the breakfast, wash the dishes, do the mopping, and the sweeping and the dusting, they always keep her hopping,” is the best way to ensure you’re whitening those snags for the recommended amount of time.
While you may look as if you took a tumble into a cart of coal and caught yourself with your mouth, the end result is *always worth it.* Beauty is sacrifice.
As an added bonus, you can also use your jar of black gold when your partner accuses you of being “too vanilla.” Pop that sucker open, take a big, ashy hit, lick your lips and smile like you mean it for your person.
*Nothing* is more chocolate than looking like a miner crunching on coal like an apple, am I right ladies?
Nina Semczuk wants to grow up to be everything! Currently: writer, yoga teacher, Instant Pot enthusiast, and hiker. Say hi! on Twitter @ninadawdles or stalk Nina via her website, ninasemczuk.com.
