Highlights of Our Company’s New Diversity and Inclusion Policy
Please don’t ask if we have a maternity leave policy yet
Zero discrimination. We will no longer tolerate any form of discrimination, targeted harassment or unconscious bias against our valued employees, regardless of educational background. This includes those who attended one of the lesser Ivy League schools. From Harvard and Yale all the way through Cornell and Penn, we recognize that each institution provides a solid education and epic party stories for company happy hours. Even a place with an admission acceptance rate above 6%.
Commitment to diversity. Every team works better when it includes a range of voices. We’d like go beyond hearing only from people named Mike, which is why we will be conscious during hiring to ensure a five-Mike maximum (FMM) in all departments of 10 people or fewer. It’s time to start learning from the unique perspectives of all the Matts and Marks of the world and maybe even the Nicks, too! All current Mikes are grandfathered in, and don’t worry, those who go by Michael won’t count toward the FMM.
Religious observance. We recognize the importance of celebrating one’s most sacred holidays and know that observance of rituals may require time away from the office. We are pleased to offer two additional floating PTO days for religious observance each calendar year. These are valid on the days following the Super Bowl, St. Patrick’s Day or Cinco de Mayo; April 20; and/or your day of “exploring Buddhism” after downloading a meditation app.
Informal dress code that encourages personal expression. We have received concerning reports that some employees do not feel comfortable at the office wearing their preferred attire: specifically, the color and/or style of Allbirds sneakers that they felt best reflected their personality, culture and outfit color schemes, noting the preponderance of grey wool runners. We want to be absolutely clear that all varieties of Allbirds are welcome on the paths of this corporate campus.
Salary fairness. Statistics show a startling pay gap in the U.S. on the basis of gender, race and ethnicity, with Latina employees facing the biggest deficit. We conducted a thorough salary review and are thrilled to report our records show no such gap here, as we have no Latina employees. Also our Black (we don’t see color) employee recently submitted his two weeks’ notice. Contrary to the rumors, his departure is unrelated to our CEO’s impromptu standup routine at the sales kickoff last month that some people inaccurately described as “horrifically racist.” Anyway, another pay gap erased, no doubt thanks to our successful salary fairness initiative.
Cultural celebrations. Food is an integral part of cultural traditions around the globe. For her weekly Trader Joe’s runs, our office manager has been instructed to stock the kitchen refrigerator and freezer with at least one item labeled “Trader Ming’s” or “Trader José’s” — and preferably both. When it comes to honoring all backgrounds in our office, we strive to not just meet baseline requirements but to be truly visionary leaders.
Leadership. D&I starts from the top, and it is critical to have female role models in executive positions. To that end, please welcome our new vice president of HR, Smiling-Female-Closeup-In-Business-Suit-1200x750.jpg. Unfortunately, you will be unable to book meetings with her because she technically does not work for us and has no HR experience and possibly does not even exist. However, when you scroll the “Our Team” page on our website you will see a single pleasant photogenic woman within the rows of men, at least until we secure our next round of funding and/or people stop tweeting at us. Did we mention she is a woman?
Women’s mentorship and inspiration. We renamed one of our conference rooms after Beyoncé.
Jessica F. Lillian is a writer and editor living vaguely near New York City. Fan of Bob Dylan and plum candy. Follow on Twitter.
