Further Possible Explanations for the California Forest Fires
Marjorie Taylor Greene has some new theories
Gay lava
I can’t prove that that the liquid core at the centre of the earth has homosexual tendencies, but I certainly can’t disprove it. If you’ve ever watched heavy waves of white hot magma crawl down the side of a volcano, you’ve got to admit there’s a certain cabaret sensuousness to it that is unmistakably deviant. Gay lava has everything to gain by turning pristine California forests into a roaring bacchanal of shimmery heat waves and dancing flames.
New York Times-trained black bears with flamethrowers
The liberal media would have us believe that bears can’t use flamethrowers, whose mechanics are apparently too fine for their long claws and clumsy paws. But isn’t it a bit of a coincidence that all of the black bears who were formerly living in those California forests have now been relocated to swanky Manhattan townhomes? Just something to think about.
Flame actors
There’s no use blaming these out-of-work Julliard dropouts — and you have to admit, they’ve turned in an excellent impression of wildfires that rage out of control in the California countryside. No, the person to blame is the mastermind behind the whole thing, that sinister entertainment elite who could crush the career of a young thespian in his hands like so many brittle leaves: Globalist Godfather Seth Rogan. This is actually one of the elite’s favorite tricks; they have also been known to hire actors to portray elevated rates of CO2 in the atmosphere.
Electric car transformers
It’s a well-known fact that all electric cars have the secret functionality of transforming into gigantic SJW autobots, programmed to crush amendment rights in the upcoming War on Freedom. My daddy always told me, don’t trust a man who doesn’t drink, and I long ago extended this rule to vehicles as well. The richly wooded forests of California probably seemed like a perfect place to train these iron snowflakes, but they were reportedly as prone to infighting as their socialist creators. Their explosive battles — likely over which was the best abortion clinic — had incendiary consequences.
Spicy ethnic food
Hot? Check. Anti-American agenda? Check. Look at the photos of the firefighters who bravely fought the out-of-control blaze, risking their lives every day. Not a single one of them is Indian food, or Chinese food, or Mexican food. The coincidences are really stacking up.
Nancy Pelosi’s burning VD
The woman is reputed to have had many partners — too numerous to count — including the Dark Angel himself: Satan. This latter bedfellow probably gave her the flaming case of venereal disease that is the cause not only of her general malice towards honest, hardworking Americans, but also the out-of-control blaze in California. It would have taken only one of her notorious nighttime prowls through that unlucky forest (possibly looking to slake her lust with an unsuspecting elk or bobcat) to set the whole place alight. Democrats have been covering up Nancy Pelosi’s infernal groin long enough. The American people deserve the truth.
Ivy Johnson is a comedy writer from Toronto. She can be found on Twitter, mostly making jokes about things inside her house, @ladywriterette.
