FEMINISM, THE QUIZ

What is your stance on nipples?

“I am not a feminist. I don’t think I qualify. I believe in women and I believe in equality, but I think there is so much that needs to be done that I don’t even want to separate it anymore.” –Sarah Jessica Parker, Marie Claire, September 2016 issue

“But one thing that makes me optimistic for [my daughters] is that this is an extraordinary time to be a woman… And I say that not just as President but also as a feminist.” –President Barack Obama, Glamour, August 4, 2016

Do you qualify as feminist?

1. Feminism means political, economic, and social equality for everyone and has empowered millions of people.
(a) True.
(b) Don’t tell me what feminism means; I know what it means, and it means what it means: “To castrate a man for no reason.”

2. What is “the wage gap”?
(a.) The space between the platform and the train.
(b.) A jean-pant trend.
(c.) Inversely proportional to the thigh gap; tangential to the orgasm gap.
(d.) None of the above, and it’s impolite to discuss it.

3. If a woman is “asking for it,” what is she asking for?
(a.) A raise.
(b.) For him to love her.
(c.) A cheese plate (or a meat plate).
(d.) Women don’t “ask for it,” including a raise.

4. Nipples:
(a.) Liberate!
(b.) Subjugate!

5. “Feminists” are actually:
(a.) Man-snubbers, anti-bakers, non-shaving isolationists, care-taking refusalists, masculinism pooh-poohers, matrimonial/maternal mutineers, and bra-pyromaniacs who don’t preheat the oven.
(b.) In a coven.
(c.) Celebrities prior to self-awareness.
(d.) Freaks in the street, ladies in the sheets, and vice versa.

6. Do you have a resting bitch face? Y/N

7. Fill in the blank. Weddings are [blank].
(a.) Like fairy tales: patriarchal, paternalistic, misogynistic.
(b.) Nope, that’s it, it’s (a.).

8. How often do you put romance in a social construct?
(a.) Never.
(b.) Rarely.
(c.) Sometimes a lot.
(d.) I don’t have to put it there; it just is there.

9. The stray term “rape culture” has been appearing online a lot lately, for some reason. What is it?
(a.) A setting in which women wear revealing clothing, are drunk, walk alone at night on booze cruises, socialize, either take or ignore compliments from strangers, have bodies, do everything else wrong.
(b.) Personally, I don’t believe in it.
(c.) To be honest, there’s not an answer to this, as of now.
(d.) No, thanks, I’m good.

10. Do you use any of these words (check all that apply):
◦ intersectionality
◦ binaries
◦ bathrooms
◦ rights/access/choice
◦ underrepresentation
◦ objectification
◦ animalification
◦ disappointed
◦ empowerment
◦ overthrow/revolution

11. Tell the truth. Equality:
(a.) By any means necessary, but without labels, movements, or waves.
(b.) Already got it, so who needs it?
(c.) I’m not into using words to describe things, nor definitions to define words. Words discriminate, not people. I prefer a society of telepaths.
(d.) Absolutely men should know what a constant state of fear feels like too.

12. Where do you stand on institutionalized sexism and sexual harassment?
(a.) Listen, I have a mother/sister/girlfriend/wife/daughter/pet that’s a girl, so I believe I’ve already answered this.

13. Women (double-check all that apply):
◦ I support and believe in them; they are everything to me, but…
◦ God is one, but I don’t believe in God.
◦ Anything you can do, I can do equally well if not better, but you wouldn’t know it because socialization.

14. For women who don’t help other women:
(a.) There’s a special place in hell.
(b.) Nothing will happen. Literally nothing.

15. Finish this sentence to the best of your knowledge. The male gaze is [blank].
(a.) Okay.
(b.) NOT OKAY.

16. How often do you dissemble power structures with equal-opportunity daredevildom?
(a.) I don’t know.
(b.) Nightly.
(c.) Only socially.
(d.) Not enough.

17. Body hair:
(a.) Do what you want with it.
(b.) Do what he wants you to do with it.
(c.) Do what capitalism wants you to do with it.
(d.) The endgame of female liberation.

18. On a scale of 1–10, how close is “feminist” to “humanist”?
(a.) 2
(b.) 4
(c.) 7
(d.) 11

19. Straight, white, cisgender men may feel entitled to:
(a.) A woman’s time and attention.
(b.) A woman’s body and sex.
(c.) Everything, just everything.
(d.) “Hey, we have it hard too.”

20. Because we still don’t totally know, what is “consent”?
(a.) “Yes.”
(b.) “Yes!”
(c.) “YES YES YES.”
(d.) All of the above.
(e.) All of the above.

21. “Pop that, pop that, jiggle that fat/Don’t stop, get it till ya clothes get wet” has [blank] to do with feminism:
(a.) Nothing.
(b.) The most.

22. Women should be:
(a.) Hyper-sexualized.
(b.) Moderately sexualized.
(c.) Under-sexualized.
(d.) It’s not for us to decide.

23. “Patriarchy,” go:
(a.) Just a buzzword.
(b.) Just a fad.
(c.) The third in “rule of three.”
(d.) Not to be fucked with.

24. “Feminism”:
(a.) True.
(b.) Not as interesting as intergalactic possibilities.
(c.) False.

Originally published on The Rumpus.

Original art by Claire Stringer.

Elissa Bassist is the Editor of the @Funny_Women column on @The_Rumpus. Visit elissabassist.com or @ElissaBassist for literary, feminist, and personal criticism.