Facts about Cranberry Juice To Pretend You Drink It All The Time and Don’t Have a UTI
So, you have a UTI. Again.
It’s not your fault that Todd actually wanted to snuggle for once after you guys did the deed — there’s no time for peeing when Todd is so vulnerably admitting to you that he actually prefers being little spoon. There’s also no time for peeing all the other times you were six inches away from Todd, hoping he’ll decide to touch you again after literally ejaculating inside of you. Anyway, until you’re sure Todd won’t leave your apartment while you’re peeing after sex, you have these super cute and fun #CranberryFacts.
- Cranberries have bacteria-inhibiting proanthocyanidins that will stop the spread of plaque and help brighten your smile — you know, the one that you can’t muster because of the crippling pain you’re in from your UTI.
2. Cranberries help fight stomach ulcers by inhibiting the growth of ulcer-causing bacteria H. Pylori, but who needs a bacteria-caused ulcer when you have the stress of trying to date Todd ready to create one all on its own?
3. Cranberries are low in sugar, not that you have much of an appetite from the side-effect heavy Macrobid antibiotics you’re on to prevent the UTI from spreading to your kidneys!
4. Cranberries contain flavonoids that help reduce inflammation and the risk for cardiovascular disease, so that your heart can stay healthy enough for Todd to stamp it on another time.
5. Cranberries are a major commercial crop in America, so at least you’re helping Make America Great Again even if your urethra feels like it could never possibly be great again because of how demoralizing the burning is when you pee!
6. Massachusetts, Wisconsin, New Jersey, Oregon, and Washington are the five states best known for growing cranberries — coincidentally also the states that Todd said he’ll be traveling to in the next month so he probably won’t be able to make time to see you.
7. Scientists are pretty sure that cranberries are the key to immortality, just like you’re pretty sure that trying to date Todd has totally been worth all of these super painful UTIs.
Cassandra Kyriazis is trying to handle her post-grad crisis with grace. Don’t @ her. Unless you want to @ her? And then maybe tell her this writing thi —
