Enjoy the Epic Crossovers in the New Disney-Fox-Marvel-Exxon Mobile-Pfizer-Lockheed Martin Universe!
We can team up the X-Men and Avengers! Or overthrow Lithuania!
Wonderful news, Disney lovers! Today, we at The Walt Disney Company are proud to announce that we have not only agreed to bring 21st Century Fox into the House of Mouse, but, while we’re at it, Warner Brothers, Bank of America, Bayer, PepsiCo, Unilever, Exxon Mobile, Walmart, Pfizer, Lockheed Martin, NASA, and China National Petroleum.
This acquisition has made us The Happiest Corporation on Earth™!
Building on Disney’s commitment to deliver the highest quality film, television, medicinal, and crude-oil-based entertainment, the combination of these assets will allow us to broaden our global appeal, build vital relationships with and/or over various governments, and — most importantly — exceed consumers’ expectations of “Epic Crossover Content™” (ECC).
With ownership of properties like X-Men, The Simpsons, Fantastic Four, Harry Potter, Cheetos® (Cheetos® The Movie coming 2021) and a fleet of F-22 Raptors, we at Disney will have the ability to bring consumers the ECC opportunities they crave above all else.
For example, in Deadpool 2 (Now known as “In Heaven Pool” — and rated G!), our hero will team up with Hermione Granger, the Na’vi, and the Quaker Oats Man to take down Captain America, who’s gone temporarily insane after Loki tricks him into believing the United States could still function without power from coal, oil, and natural gas.
Best of all, this new ECC is not limited to superheroes!
Soon, Disney-Bank of America will exchange the money in their consumers’ accounts to Mickey Mint™. Mickey Mint™ holders may purchase the latest Disney-based goods, such as Disney-Monsanto Crossover Fruits™, genetically perfected to look like lovable Pixar characters.
The Imagineers at Disney-Lockheed Martin are already hard at work on fulfilling fans’ and the Pentagon’s dreams of real-life TIE-Fighters and X-Wings.
Plus, these new technological assets will allow Disney to make entertainment even more accessible, whether it’s on our fan’s TV, laptop, mobile device, or in a hallucination induced by Entertainalox™ Disney-Pfizer’s ECC opioid.
“This acquisition reflects the increasing consumer demand for crossover entertainment experiences that we — and only we — can provide,” said Chairman Robert A. Iger. “We’re enthusiastic about growing our franchises, branded content, and power to shape policy around the globe with no resistance. Except, of course, The Resistance™ (Star Wars: The Last Jedi in theaters now).”
We at Disney welcome the regulatory review of this deal by the Federal Communications Commission, and hope that Director Ajit Pai and his family enjoy their new Disney World Resort penthouse suite as well as their complimentary Fast Passes for Life.
Sasha Stewart (The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore) is a comedy writer and would gladly join the United Disney Worldwide Federation. You can find her on Twitter @ArtfulStew and on Instagram @glumgram.
