Does the Thought of Driving Over a Bridge Make You Want to Cry?

Follow these nine easy steps for a more relaxed experience.

Photo by Clayton Malquist on Unsplash

1. Does driving over a bridge sound as appealing as a colonoscopy? They’re both painless and are over before you can count to 100, but at least when driving over a bridge, you’re not drinking an awful concoction and spending hours sitting on the toilet. You can also compare bridge driving to a root canal, jury duty, or having explosive diarrhea during a first date. The more things you visualize, the more enticing driving over a bridge will sound. If you’ve succeeded in this step, congratulations! You can now go to step 2. If you are still home hiding under the weighted blanket, jump to step 8.
2. Once you are on the bridge, remove any thoughts of how the wind will pick up speed, envelop your car, suck it into its funnel, and blow it off the bridge. Unless there is a major hurricane or tornado, nobody will look out their window and exclaim, “Honey, there is a flying car!” Most important, don’t think about The Wizard of Oz. Go to step 3.
3. Stay in the middle lane! Avoid the other lanes at all costs, especially the right lane. If you’ve swerved into the right lane, do not peek at the murky waters below. Remove all visions of sharks and killer fish from your imagination. Focus! As soon as you get back into the middle lane, go to step 4.
4. As you glance in your rear-view mirror and see a monstrous truck racing down the bridge right towards your car, and your heartbeat speeds up as you imagine this truck toppling over onto you, close your eyes, but not for too long. Go to step 5.
5. Open them when you hear the truck’s tires screech and its horn beep. Remove one of your hands from the steering wheel and pat yourself on the back. If you manage this, then go to step 6.
6. Use the same hand you patted yourself on the back and scroll through your music channel. Find something peaceful, similar to what you would hear in a dentist’s office, but not too tranquil, so you fall asleep. Maybe electronic dance music would be a better choice. If you have a sunroof, open it, stick your head out, and dance to the music. Your worries will evaporate! Or your uneasiness will intensify, prompting the butterflies in your stomach to react like they are in a high-intensity cardio class. Now is a good time to go to step 7.
7. Call a friend, one with a soothing voice; though calling your crazy aunt with the shrill voice may distract you and help you in the long run. Just call anyone, even your plumber, and ask for help. If nobody answers, go to step 8.
8. Sing “Bridge Over Troubled Water” only because you are out of any other options. If you followed all these steps, and your knuckles are no longer white, you can let out a deep exhale. You crossed the bridge! You are a success and you can ignore step 9.
9. You are still home. Forget bridge driving, you are a lost cause.

Bonus 10th Step: Share your experience on as many social media platforms as you can, and hope that Inside Edition contacts you for an exclusive…

…If you are still in one piece.

Shelley Lerea enjoys making people laugh and loves writing comedic pieces. Whether it’s a short story, a play, or a short humorous piece, the goal is to make people chuckle.