Daily Itinerary of Someone Who Just Deleted Instagram

A Cautionary Tale

Stef Dag
The Belladonna Comedy

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Sad emoji!

Well, after a month-long stint in the hospital to get my phantom vibrations under control, and also getting extremely low engagement on my last post, I’ve decided that today is the day that I finally erase Instagram and tell everyone about it. Here goes nothing…

7:00am: Usually, I wake up from the ping of an instagram notification that “bestass_vladimir68533332” liked my photo from 2014. I then scroll through my feed for roughly two hours, administering a near lethal dose of LED light directly into my retinas. Today, I just set an alarm and meditate for ten minutes.

8:00am: Feeling impregnated by clarity, I leave my phone in my room for the first time in three years and eat breakfast. I notice that the dishes in my sink are piling up. Also that my cat, Sprinkles, is very dead in the corner. I load the dishwasher and throw Sprinkles away.

8:59am: I get to work (early!) and open my laptop to 852 unread emails. With the extra minute, I create a savvy AI bot and feed it pages of my email history, so that it can quickly learn modern email speak. It replies: “Let’s circle back! Sorry! Totally my fault! Lolololol I should I kill myself because I’m the WORST!” to every email. Nobody bats an eye.

10:30am: During my morning meeting, when I usually stalk the photos of all my frenemies who are more successful than me, I notice my newfound ability to hear thoughts in the form of words coming out of people’s mouths. I realize that my coworker Joe is sexist and stupid. He refers to me as a “firecracker,” and I set out for vengeance.

2:00pm: I haven’t left my desk all afternoon, not even to go to the bathroom. There’s no point when you can’t sit on the toilet and scroll through your own profile all day. I pee sitting at my desk as an act of resistance.

2:05pm: Some of my coworkers begin complaining about a smell. Joe sits a few desks behind me, and my eyes, untainted by the LED light, now have insane peripherals. I blame the smell on his lunch (even though it’s my pee), and start a company-wide Slack channel to propagate the rumor.

2:30pm: I’m promoted to CEO for my investigative work regarding the bad office smell. My first order of business is firing Joe in front of everyone, including his children, who I take out of school to watch.

3:00pm: Without the distraction of trying to take the perfect and emotionally vague “mood” selfie for my Close Friend List, I finally remember to call Grandma back. She says she hates me and to never to call her again. Apparently doing the Mannequin Challenge at Grandpa’s funeral next to his open casket left a bitter taste in her mouth even though it was super topical and got a lot of likes.

4:00pm: I’m interviewed by Forbes Magazine for being the youngest CEO in the world ever. My secret? “Erasing instagram.” Instagram’s stock plummets 4,500% and Kylie Jenner flushes 3,000 bottles of SugarBearHair vitamins down her rose-gold plated toilet and flees to The Caymans. Feminism is restored.

5:00pm: Now that I’ve peaked professionally and it’s a really good time for women, I set out to slay my romantic life and get the attention of my crush. Usually, around golden hour, I send him videos of myself lip syncing Cardi B.

5:45pm: I show up at my crush’s house with a boombox and solar-powered hot lamp and lip sync “Bartier Cardi,” at him. It’s not quite golden hour, but I manage to balance the solar-powered hot lamp on my right foot, dispensing the perfect amount of warmth to add a dreamy, dewey glow to my face. He says my face is third-degree burning, but likes how quirky, vintage, and rich I am now. He proposes.

6:30pm: I convince my crush — ok, now fiance! — to also erase his Instagram, mostly because I don’t want him getting any other sexy lip sync videos. We hold a private wedding ceremony in my apartment and invite no one because without Instagram we have no idea how to contact our friends and family.

7:00pm: We order pad thai and, undistracted by our phones, get to know each other on such a deep and intimate emotional level that we realize we actually hate each other.

9:00pm: After finalizing the divorce, I fall into a deep state of depression. No one understands me and what good is all the money, power, and knowledge in the world when you have no one to……….share it with?

9:01pm: I reactivate my instagram and create a 2,000 slide Story about my day without Instagram. It goes viral and gets the attention of SugarBearHair gummies (who now makes gummies for face burns). I become an influencer and invent a lucrative makeup line for orphans.

Stef Dag is NYC based comedian, writer, and creative producer for Condé Nast. Follow her on Instagram and Medium!

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