DAILY ITINERARY of Me, 40 Pounds Lighter
I will get offered and gladly accept a piggy back ride to work.
6:30 AM — Wake up and go for a six mile run that I enjoy completely.
7:30 AM — Look at myself naked for five minutes without noticing one wrong thing. Also, I am tan.
7:35 AM — Exfoliate, moisturize, and bathe my perfect body and skin that I take care of now.
8:00 AM — Put on any combination of clothing in my closet that appeals to me without needing to look in the mirror.
8:15 AM — Dine on a thoroughly satisfying ½ cup of Life Activia Yogurt. Save the rest for later.
8:17 AM — Check my bank account balance. It is so high.
8:20 AM — Get offered and gladly accept a piggy back ride to work.
8:45 AM — Dismount the completely unburdened piggy back ride giver and walk confidently and smoothly into my office because none of my body hurts.
9:00 AM — My office chair collapses. Everyone agrees wholeheartedly when I blame only the chair and nothing else.
9:30 AM — A woman named Charlene calls me “just a little bit of a thing.”
10:00 AM — Someone else offers me a piggyback ride. I accept.
10:30 AM — Go to the bathroom. Put my hair in a ponytail that makes my face look just as good as it did when my hair was down. Also, my skin is perfect.
10:45 AM — Finish Ulysses.
11:30 AM — Get out my phone to text my boyfriend. Accidentally open the camera and take a picture of myself from below my chin. It is a good picture.
12:30 PM — Piggy back ride to lunch.
1:00PM — On my ride back from lunch, see a outfit I like on a mannequin at Express. Purchase the entire thing in a size 4 without trying it on.
1:30PM — Forget what I had for lunch because food just isn’t really that important to me.
2:30PM — Make that accidental ‘under-the-chin’ photo my new LinkedIn Profile pic.
3:30PM — Reread Ulysses.
4:00PM — Put on my t-shirt for softball with my coworkers. I forgot my leggings so a male coworker lends me a pair of shorts. The look works for me.
5:15PM — Thoroughly enjoy socializing with my coworkers without committing a single social gaff.
5:30PM — Hit the winning home run in the softball game. Am lifted victoriously on to the shoulders of Strong Account Manager, Dale. Many people take pictures. All are flattering.
6:30 PM — Celebratory nachos and beer. A normal amount.
8:30PM — Go home to my boyfriend. Greet each other by doing the Swayze/Grey lift from Dirty Dancing.
8:45PM — Put on one of BF’s t-shirts. SWIM in it.
9:00PM — Piggy back ride around the house for an hour.
10:00PM — Satisfying standing sex.
10:35PM — Get in bed. Do not think about starting a diet tomorrow. Fall peacefully asleep.
Taylor Kay Phillips is a writer and comedian living in NYC. She has written for Reductress and McSweeney’s and is a writer for the monthly show NightLate at the UCB. Follow her on Twitter to find out which doors she ran into this week @taykayphillips.
