Daily Itinerary of an Inspirational Mug at TJ Maxx
Be Bold. Be Brave. Be YOUtiful.
8:03 a.m. — I awake to the gentle flickering of the fluorescent lights turning on overhead. From my perch on the top shelf in the housewares section, I gaze out over the expansive landscape of TJ Maxx. Another day to be seized!
8:17 a.m. — The store’s caretakers are buzzing with activity moving us around. Last week I showcased my versatility as a pencil holder in the home office section, inspiring those that gazed upon me to Be Bold. Be Brave. Be YOUtiful.
8:54 a.m. — A caretaker plucks me from my roost and gently places me on the special trolley. I hastily say goodbye to my dear friends Guinness Pint Glass and Whistling Tea Kettle before being whisked away, trembling with anticipation for my new adventure.
9:31 a.m. — The special trolley glides through the store stopping along the way to pick up other chosen ones — Vanilla Soy Candle, Faux Fur Throw, and Vibrating Foot Massager. We are all atwitter. Where could our final destination be??
9:52 a.m. — We come to rest at the holy grail of displays, reserved only for the most coveted and treasured merchandise — the “Get Cozy At Home” table. Oh this is beyond my wildest dreams! Am I really about to join my idols Fuzzy Penguin Slippers as part of the royal family of TJ Maxx wares?!
10:55 a.m. — The sanctity and weight of the position becomes too much for Vibrating Foot Massager who has never been out of the Fitness Department before. She spirals into a panic-induced malfunction, convulsing across the table. I order her to pull it together before she gets banished to the clearance section.
11:26 a.m. — A tired looking woman in her late 30s approaches. The store’s lighting is not kind to her. She needs me. I stand tall and embolden her to Be Bold. Be Brave. Be YOU — and she grabs Vanilla Soy Candle. No matter. The day is young.
12:13 p.m. — A mother and her two feral children enter. The heathens seize Faux Fur Throw, but the mother rips him from their sticky paws and tosses him back on the table, blanketing us in smothering darkness.
1:11 p.m. — Scream for help.
1:42 p.m. — Scream for help.
2:34 p.m. — Scream for help.
3:19 p.m. — Accept my fate that I will suffocate under Faux Fur Throw.
3:58 p.m. — Suddenly a caretaker — nay, an angel — rescues us by refolding Faux Fur Throw. Through gasps of breath I thank this heavenly being for my life.
4:30 p.m. — Still a bit shaken, I tell my “Get Cozy At Home” compatriots we must rise to the occasion as a forlorn young woman wearing a Namaste In Bed sweatshirt hesitantly approaches.
4:31 p.m. — Her eyes, vacant and distant, rest on us for what seems like an eternity.
4:32 p.m. — Suddenly, the weary woman picks me up. Yes! YES! This is happening!
4:33 p.m. — She places me back down. Oh the tortuous tease! The cheap, vile, sad, hopeless, dowdy woman! She is not worthy of my dishwasher and microwave safe ceramic!
4:34 p.m. — She picks me up again! I take back everything that I just said! It would be an honor to warm this thoughtful woman’s hands, lips, and soul. Through happy tears I callout, “Goodbye dear friends! I shall not forget — ”
4:35 p.m. — And I’m back down again. I hiss at her “You are nothing without me! NOTHING!”
4:36 p.m. — And she picks me up again. Only this time in her eyes I see defiance and determination. I hold my breath. In her cart I go!! I love you New Mommy!
4:44 p.m. — The long and winding maze to the registers is packed with well-wishers enthusiastically bidding us farewell. My cup runneth over with this outpouring of love.
4:46 p.m. — Sensing my emotion, New Mommy gingerly cups me in her hands and gives me a reassuring smile. I chuckle to myself realizing now she’s the one telling me to Be Bold. Be Brave. Be YOUtiful.
4:47 p.m. — The scanner tickles my barcode. My TJ Maxx special value is $5.99, but New Mommy knows the inspiration I bestow is priceless. A caretaker swaddles me in thick paper to keep me safe on my journey to my forever home. I close my eyes and dream about the feminist steampunk novels New Mommy and I will surely write together.
Jenny Crowley is a marketing leader, comedy writer, and slow runner living in Chicago. Her work has been featured in The Onion, The Belladonna, and various notebooks around her apartment.
