Daily Itinerary of a Woman Who Had a Horse Obsession as a Girl
Make note to reread Misty of Chincoteague to see if it still holds up (you know it will)
6:30AM: Wake up from a dream about riding a feisty Appaloosa stallion through a meadow. He could only be tamed by you.
6:45AM: Remind yourself that Catherine The Great liked horses, even though everyone only remembers that horse thing. She was still a queen.
7:00AM: Shower using Mane and Tail shampoo, lather, rinse, repeat four times to while you gaze at the horse on the bottle.
7:15AM: Put hair in pony tail. Sigh that this will likely be the closest you get to an actual horse tail today.
8:00AM: Eat oatmeal. Even though it’s been twenty years since you read the Saddle Club books now, you still know though oats are a vital part of the equine diet.
8:30AM: Sit in traffic. Wonder if horses can use the bike lanes.
8:45AM: Make eye contact with a small girl in the backseat of the sedan in front of you. She raises her Pinky Pie My Little Pony to you. Try not to think that this is you from the past sending a message.
9:30AM: Executive board meeting. Neigh loudly in disagreement after the “yeas,” even when you totally agree to the new policies.
11:00AM: Suggest the holiday party could be at the horse racing track this year, just like you did for the quarterly retreat, the offsite performance reviews and for your initial job interview. Ignore them when they tell you not to suggest it again.
12:00PM: Eat carrots. Alone.
12:30PM: Double check the city laws against large-hooved animals living in city limits. Write letter to your city council representative, Kitty Henry.
12:45PM: Look up city laws against miniature horses. Forward article about miniature horses as companion animals to Kitty.
12:50PM: Delete email from Kitty asking you to stop forwarding her miniature horse articles. Print out miniature horse article and mail it to her.
1:40PM: Meet with coworker returning from maternity leave. Tell her you are glad to see her back in the saddle.
1:45PM: Explain to coworker that you meant back at work, not that she is now saddled with the never-ending cycle of conflict between childcare and career.
1:50PM: Comfort coworker as she cries. Tell her that you get a lot of comfort from thinking about horses.
2:00PM: Coworker confesses she’s also a former horse-obsessed girl. Compare thoughts on the book, Black Beauty. It really was traumatic when Ginger died.
2:30PM: Google bridles. See sale on riding crops
2:35PM: Get caught by male coworker while you are looking at riding crops. Explain that a riding crop is a tool to be used mindfully with a horse, but can frequently be misused in the hands of an uncaring rider. Take note of his blank stare. Tell him it’s for sex, so he’ll just leave.
3:05PM: Wonder if you have enough PTO to go to Pony Penning Days. Make note to reread Misty of Chincoteague to see if it still holds up. You know it will.
3:20PM: Correct crossword puzzle on the breakroom table. “Mules” is not the correct answer to “a cross between a female donkey and a male horse.” That’s a hinny. Mules are the cross between a male donkey and a female horse. Accept that you work with morons.
4:00PM: Present marketing plan for the new fiscal year. Smile when you are complimented on being a stable presenter.
4:30PM: Walk to breakroom, open fridge, nearly eat the hummus but then just end up eating the sugar cubes near the coffee maker. Make dentist appointment because teeth show a horse’s age and that’s why you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
5:00PM: Traffic. A Quarter Horse could run this quarter mile of traffic faster than any other horse.
5:30PM: Detour by the park to see if you can catch a glimpse of the mounted police. Deliberately litter to have him come closer. Flirt with the officer so you can pet his horse. Accept his phone number. Keep petting the horse. Throw the phone number away.
6:00PM: Stop by the farm supply store to buy only cat food. Touch all the horse brushes.
6:34PM: Pilates class. Mention that horseback riding is a great ab workout.
7:30PM: Swipe left on the guy who says he’s “’hung like a horse.” You know he’s not.
8:00PM: Empty coins from purse into jar marked, “Horse Fund.” Caress the photo of the chestnut Welsh Mountain Pony taped to the front of it. You’ll get there someday.
8:03PM: Dig through the coins in your “Horse Fund” to find quarters for laundry.
10:30PM: Hit the hay and fall asleep thinking about how you would redirect the horse head scene from Godfather to make it less about a dead horse and more about a live horse in your satin sheets.
Heather Meyer is a humor writer in Minneapolis who likes to bake terrible things live on Facebook as Cooking Heather and tweets @heathermeyer2.
