Congratulations On Your Promotion To The Position Of My Boyfriend
Your baseline sexual compensation will not increase.
Dear. Mr. Kirby,
After careful consideration and a thorough review of your qualifications and job performance to date, Lizzie Logan Inc. is thrilled to offer you a promotion to the position of Lizzie’s Boyfriend, effective immediately. We hope that you found your 4.5 weeks of freelance work as a Hook-Up Or Whatever, It’s Casual rewarding, and we are confident you are ready for increased responsibility within the company.
Congratulations!
Note that this position requires longer work hours. You will need to be available nights and weekends, and you’ll be expected to return communications promptly. i.e., when I text you, you have to text me back, and you can’t say you “didn’t get” my text, because that’s not how phones work, Dave.
Please add to your calendar the semi-annual company retreat at my mother’s house. Attendance is mandatory. And bring a bottle of White Zinfandel.
Your baseline sexual compensation will not increase. However, the company does offer a highly competitive incentive-based bonus program, whereby you can earn additional sexual favors through exemplary performance at tasks like being charming at brunch, patiently taking multiple photos for use on Instagram, and participating in a couples Halloween costume, which will probably be Buffy and Angel.
This promotion also entitles you to Executive Perks, including a per diem of kisses, unlimited spooning, and a free introduction to my hilarious friend Naomi who is, seriously, the best. You may also use our corporate season tickets to the following activities: me performing active listening while you debate whether Christopher Nolan or Paul Thomas Anderson is the heir to Stanley Kubrick, me pretending I don’t understand baseball so you can explain it, and me tacitly agreeing that you are six feet tall despite abundant evidence to the contrary.
Previous applicants have inquired if Lizzie Logan Inc.’s strict Condom Every Time policy is open to negotiation. It is not. It will remain in place unless and until our CEO finds a pill that doesn’t make her feel batshit crazy.
And no, the CEO is not interested in bringing an IUD into her workplace, because literally all of her friends who got IUDs inserted into their workplaces ended up with workplace cramping and workplace cysts.
So please just use a condom!
It’s important that you not abuse your Boyfriend status. Former team members have been let go for unacceptable behavior such as insisting the company agree that Virginia Woolf “sucks” in comparison to Thomas Pynchon, and mentioning the fact that he went to Stanford way too much.
Formal and informal performance reviews may occur at any time, without prior notice and at our sole discretion.
We are aware that when you interviewed with the company, you did not apply to the Boyfriend position, despite knowing that it was open. We can only assume that this is because you hadn’t gotten to know the company yet, and now that you’ve had 4.5 super fun weeks here, you’re ready for a commitment. Because you’re basically already a full-time employee, right? Like, you do all the things a Boyfriend-level employee does, so this is just making it official, right?
You should also know that the Boyfriend contract includes an ironclad non-compete clause. If you provide any kind of service to one of our competitors, you will be terminated for cause without recourse, and we may invoke the contract’s clawback provision whereby we reclaim my HBONow password, all my Fleetwood Mac vinyls, and any nude images of me in your collection. Furthermore, your professional reputation will be publicly maligned to such a degree that it will be difficult for you to secure an attractive position at a top-tier company again.
Do you get that, Dave? Everyone will know.
If you feel at all unprepared for your new role, Lizzie Logan Inc. will be happy to enroll you in our industry-leading Boyfriend Development Program, where you will learn best practices such as stocking your refrigerator with a bevy of flavored sparkling waters, acquiring some nice sheets, and implementing a non-bong-based smoking routine. Pursuant to the company’s branding strategy, grooming and sartorial standards are higher at the Boyfriend level than at Hook-Up Or Whatever, It’s Casual. Please refer to the attached documents Oscar_Isaac_Hair.jpg, Daniel_Kaluuya_Style.pdf, and Jake_Gyllenhaal_Skincare.docx.
We here at Lizzie Logan Inc. are excited about your future at the company and would like to eventually put you on the Husband Track if that’s something you’re interested in. If not, please let us fucking know so we don’t waste our goddamn time.
Best,
Lizzie Logan
Founder and CEO, Lizzie Logan Incorporated
A Division Of LadyCo.
