Beyoncé’s Ultrasound Appointment Contract Rider
A Few Minor Amenities Mrs. Knowles-Carter Will Require.
Congratulations!
You have been chosen from thousands of ultrasound techs as the winner of Beyoncé’s Bey Baes 2K17 Contest. This grants you an ultra-exclusive, backstage ultrasound meet-and-greet with Queen Bey herself, and her twins in utero, where you will have a brief opportunity to get an autograph with the mom-to-be, snap a quick photo, and perform a comprehensive 20-week anatomy ultrasound examination and anomaly scan.
The most important thing is just to relax and have fun. Beyoncé is a laid-back, down-to-earth expectant mother and you can be yourself around her. However, as her third assistant, I just need to pass along a few small details from her contract rider, just small, totally compulsory details that will help her feel comfortable while she undergoes this routine prenatal check. You’re probably already doing most of these for all your patients but it never hurts to triple check.
ITEM 1: ROOM PREP. I don’t want to insult your intelligence, as I’m SURE you’re already planning for this, but please bathe the room in soft, diffused light and literally thousands of (thornless!) roses strewn about the exam room.
Clause 1, Section 1: Please bedazzle the foot stirrups in advance. With diamonds. Color grade D or E will be great. Please bring your own craft supplies, none will be provided.
Clause 1, Section 2: Please serve a modest craft services spread of vegan-yet-filling treats from her 22 Days Nutrition subscription meal plan. Feel free to take home any leftovers, these meals will fill you up and give you plenty of energy for well over 12 minutes!
Clause 1, Section 3: Please play Lemonade via Tidal. (Note: if you attempt to play over another streaming service, it will make things soooo awkward, so it’s best just to go ahead and splurge on that Tidal membership.)
Clause 1, Section 4: A well-trained tigress should be available to keep the table warm until the patient arrives. The tigress may help herself to the craft services table, but please constantly replenish as selection dwindles. After all, Bey is eating for three now!
ITEM 2: EQUIPMENT. Please refrain from applying cold gel to the belly. If a liquid must be used, liberally apply La Mer cream at exactly 72.4 degrees fahrenheit. A friendly reminder: supplies are your responsibility!
Clause 2, Section 1: Do not use a transducer wand. Use a microphone. A Sennheiser Digital 9000 is strongly preferred, but we can also allow the use of a Telefunken Ela M 251; we’re not one of those entourages that has to have things just so-so.
ITEM 3: PHOTOGRAPHY. It would really help us out if you could pre-set the room with top-grade portrait lighting, but don’t go out of your way. Ms. Knowles-Carter will be bringing her own ultrasound photographer, the incomparable Awol Eriku.
Clause 3, Section 1: Please do what you can to stay out of Ms. Knowles-Carter and especially the babies’ light throughout the procedure/shoot. Know. Their. Angles. And if you absolutely can’t avoid being in a shot, smize for your life!
Clause 3, Section 2: Beyoncé may bring/wear a wedding veil for this shoot. DON’T OVERTHINK THIS! Casually play this off like this is something you see all the time.
ITEM 4: THE EXAM ITSELF. Once Mrs. Knowles-Carter enters and recognizes your presence with a slight nod, you may slowly approach. A deep bow is totally overkill (she’s just a person like you! She puts her leotard on one high-cut leghole at a time just like you do!) but it’s also understandable and wholly acceptable. You can then verbally acknowledge, “You are Beyoncé.” She will reply, “Thank you.”
Her voice will sound like a million angels telling you the best compliment about your hair you can imagine. Gentle weeping is a completely normal reaction, don’t fight it. Then, begin the exam.
Clause 4, Section 1: Bey will be glowing. Both in the normal way that pregnant women do, but also in that way that actual supernovas do as they’re born in a swirling cloud of noble gases.
Clause 4, Section 2: Jay-Z may or may not be there. Best not to mention it either way.
Clause 5, Section 2: If Beyoncé chooses to learn the biological gender of the babies, please do not say “boy” and/or “girl” but rather “demigod” and/or “demigoddess”.
Clause 4, Section 3: There will be no abnormalities, for obvious reasons. So you can skip ahead to praising the fetus’ above-average synchronized dance development.
Clause 4, Section 4: If the babies are not in formation, do not panic. At the appointed time, their mother will quietly instruct, “Places, children”, and they will flawlessly complete a hands-free version of external cephalic version (ECV).
SECTION 5: CONCLUDING YOUR TIME TOGETHER. After 3–5 minutes, I or her publicist will pop in with a quick “last question, wrap it up” hand motion. Regardless of where you are in the exam, this is your cue to bring it swiftly to a close by assuring your patient that her twins are in perfect physical health and will soon save and benevolently rule us all.
Clause 5, Section 1: This is a perfect moment to reverently kiss the images of the twins on your screen and recite, “so it is written, so it shall be, so you shall lift us.” But if another moment feels more organic to do this, then by all means do so. It’s your show!
Clause 5, Section 2: Please help Bey into her custom maternity Manolos and snap ONE quick selfie with your patient to commemorate the pinnacle of your professional life. Please do not share on social media or with any living organism, she’s super private.
Clause 5, Section 3: You may glow in the dark for up to 90 days after your direct Beyoncé contact. This is your body’s metabolic response to greatness. It’s not uncommon to also be nominated for a number of several American Music Awards via osmosis. If this happens and you win, you’re welcome to keep the AMA(s) with our compliments.
Congrats again! I’ll Snapchat you shortly to arrange the appointment.
Love and Bey,
Kellen, third assistant to Beyoncé
Brooke Preston is a Midwest-based comedy writer, satirist and storyteller. She enjoys adventuring with her husband, daughter and doofy lab, and seeking out exceptional deals on cheese. Follow her at brookeprestoncomedy.com or on Twitter @bigu.
