Here are all the MIND-BLOWING reasons why you can’t miss my Christmas pageant, dad!

We’re singing the Frasier theme song, soooo.

This Christmas pageant is gonna be DOPE, dad! Everybody’s talking about it.

My Christmas pageant is on Thursday, December 21 at 7pm but my music teacher Mrs. Allison said that all the parents should get there at 6:30pm so they can get a seat. Mrs. Allison also said that all of the kids have to be there at 6pm. Mrs. Allison said if we aren’t there at 6pm we don’t get any candy. Principal McCallister said on the intercom that there is no homework because the Christmas pageant.

There is no homework!!! That’s how important this is.

So dad, the thing is that mom told me that you might be late or that you might miss the 2017 Christmas pageant at Our Lady of the Bleeding Eye Catholic School (OLBE! Go Mustangs!) at 7pm on Thursday, December 21, 2017 because mom said you have a “work thing.”

But this one is gonna be really good this year. I know I say that every year and every year it’s really bad, but I swear this one is gonna be good. This year, I get to sing!!! It’s not a solo (Kevin Patti didn’t curl up in the fetal position and vomit all over his feet in the audition while farting, so he got it instead of me.) No worries though! He’s really good.

Anyways, I was hoping that maybe if I told you more about the Christmas pageant you’d cancel all the brain surgeries you have scheduled so you don’t miss a minute of what Mrs. Allison has planned. She worked really hard on this. I love Mrs. Allison and I’m gonna marry her one day. Her first name is Allison, but we call her Mrs. Allison because Allison is also her last name.

So here are the biggest moments you don’t want to miss!

• Me, your son, singing a thirteen minute version of O Come O Come Emmanuel in Latin dressed as a meatball. I’ll be in the back but you can see my full costume during the manger scene when Jesus is born at the end!
• When Jesus is born we’re gonna sing this really old song called “Footloose.”
• My crush Veronica (her dad is a pharmacist, and no, he will NOT be giving you Xanax to give to mom!) is playing Mary and a tossed salad for when her class sings the theme song from “Frasier.”
• My other crush Jason is playing a can of Coca-Cola for the scene where capitalism saves Christmas by bringing an in-labor Mary to a Blue Cross Blue Shield corporate office. I like girls and I like boys.
• The third grade class is performing the scenes from Netflix’s “Mindhunter” where they interview the serial killers, but all the serial killers are wearing Santa hats and they’re rapping like in “Hamilton!”
• My meatball costume has sauce on it. I spilled.
• Principal McCallister and Mrs. Allison used half of their year’s salary so they could pay Lin-Manuel Miranda to say “Merry Christmas!! Good luck with the show. Go Mustangs!” on Mrs. Allison’s voicemail to play for the parents at the beginning of the show. Mrs. Allison knows Lin-Manuel Miranda through a friend of a friend’s second cousin’s best friend’s uncle’s cousin’s ex-girlfriend’s brother, so they got a discount.
• Mrs. Allison wrote a song called “Keep Christ in Christmas” that will be sung by the 8th grade class who will all be dressed as Lady Bird from the movie “Lady Bird.”
• Baby Jesus is a black American Girl doll.

As you can see, the Christmas pageant is really good this year, and if you miss it you’ll regret it for the rest of your life because if you miss it you won’t be my dad anymore. I say if you’re my dad and I say if you’re not my dad.

Mom said that I’m being dramatic and that when I am your age which is really old I’ll laugh about this and I won’t even remember. SHE’S the one being dramatic, DAD.

If you know me at all, you’d know that the Christmas pageant is the most important thing to me, ever. And seeing that I have lived 9 and three quarters years, that’s saying something.

Carrie Wittmer had to sing a really long version of O Come All Ye Faithful in French for a Christmas pageant in 4th grade and a guy in her class touched her butt during rehearsal. She’s a co-founder and editor of The Belladonna. Follow her on Twitter , Medium, and Instagram @carriesnotscary.