ASOS Fables: Cautionary Tales for the Fashionable Millennial
Beware the fast fashion fantasyland…
Written By Rosamund Lannin and Ali Kelley
The Ant and the Grasshopper
On a crisp morning in November, Anna debuted her new winter staple — a beautiful suede swing coat with faux fur collar. She had spent her summer working double shifts at Mulligans to save up enough money to purchase the coat. Proud of her purchase, she posted a photo to Instagram.
Her friend Greta left a comment, “Gorg! I’m going to have borrow that from you ASAP!”
Anna DM’d Greta shortly after, “Girl, you know I can’t let you borrow this coat. I gave up my summer to afford it and I’m never taking it off. I thought you were making good money, can’t you buy one for yourself?”
Greta shot back, “I lost track of time at the shore. I blew all my money on cute bikini tops, sundresses, espadrilles, and impractical statement hats! Now it’s cold and I have no seasonally appropriate clothes to wear.”
Several days later Anna responded, “You’ll have to find a way to wear espadrilles with socks. I believe in you.”
Moral: There’s a time for work, and a time for play, and you should think before partying your summer away on the boardwalk.
The Boy Who Cried Wolf
Bored with work and life, Matt started thinking of ways he could scam ASOS to get free merch. He was told they had a lax return policy and knew he could use that to his advantage.
He emailed a photo of a ripped t-shirt to ASOS and wrote, “I just got this t-shirt and it’s already ripped. Could you please refund me in full?” Later that week the amount was returned to his bank account. “Suckers!” Matt exclaimed.
Two weeks later, Matt sent another email to ASOS, claiming the soles of the shoes he bought were becoming detached. Again, he asked for a full refund. And again, the money posted to his bank account. Matt laughed out loud, “Dummies!”
Then one night, the ASOS suit he bought for his buddy’s wedding was stolen from the lobby of his apartment building. In horror, Matt wrote an impassioned email to ASOS explaining his emergency and how he needed a new suit over-nighted in order to have it for the wedding that weekend.
By this time, the ASOS customer service team had caught on to Matt’s scam and told their team not to respond to his emails. “We won’t be fooled again,” they said.
Humiliatingly, Matt was the only groomsmen in a white suit and was told repeatedly by the bride that he ruined all their photos and was not welcome at future events.
Moral: Liars are not believed even when they speak the truth and are charming, apologetic white men named Matt.
The City Mouse and the Country Mouse
“Where did you get that blouse?” Rebecca asked Eunji. “It’s so cute, I love the print. Are those little sheep?”
“ASOS!” said Eunji, “75% off bay-bee, I creep the sales.”
Much to Eunji’s dismay, Rebecca looked sad, not impressed. “Oh,” she said. “I don’t do fast fashion.”
“I mean, I care about the planet too. Just, yeah.” Eunji trailed off, embarrassed.
Rebecca adjusted the neck of her $300 sweater, which was made from virgin Spanish wool by local farmers. If she washed it cold and laid flat to dry, she would have it for years to come — though it seemed like she was needing it later and later every winter.
Moral: Poverty with security is better than plenty in the midst of fear and uncertainty, especially a planetary uncertainty that is .00001% the result of individual consumer choices.
The Goose & the Golden Egg
Tessa was rich. And every time she visited her parent’s in Connecticut, they gave her money. At first Tessa was pleased with the amount they gave her, but she needed more to maintain her designer wardrobe and alt lifestyle/fashion blog, Holly Go-bite-me . She already had two perfectly fine leather jackets but she wanted seven, one for every day of the week.
Then one day, browsing the ASOS new releases, Tessa got the idea that she could get all of her parent’s money if she killed them and received her inheritance in full. But when the deed was done, her parent’s lawyer informed her that she was left out of the will and would not be receiving any more money. Her parents had rightfully assumed she’d throw all her money away on vintage band t-shirts she didn’t need. Now her parents were dead, and worse, she’d have to sell her prized pieces on Buffalo Exchange to survive.
Moral: Those who have plenty want more and so lose all they have to the Buffalo Exchange clerk.
Belling the Cat
Rupa, Danny and Lauren were going to Mexico tomorrow, and the swimsuits they ordered arrived just in the nick of time — in the wrong size, style, and color, respectively.
“This sucks,” said Danny, I am way too ghostly to pull off ecru trunks.
“Definitely,” said Rupa. “We should get our money back.”
Lauren nodded.
They stared at the return policy.
“It looks like you have to print out a form,”” Rupa said. No one has a printer.”
Danny offered to print it out at Fedex, where he made just enough to prevent him from applying for financial aid.
“Whatever,” said Rupa. “I’ll just eat the $43.55 and buy a different cheap, poorly-fitting swimsuit on my credit card — H&M is open until 10.”
Lauren bookmarked an article on wealth redistribution. She really liked those floral kimono sleeves.
When they got back from their trip, Lauren looked up their alderman, and asked Rupa and Danny if they wanted to go to his next meeting. Rupa said yes. Danny shrugged and added more items to his cart.
Moral: It is one thing to say that something should be done, but quite a different matter to fill out a return form or slowly dismantle the state.
Rosamund Lannin is pleasantly surprised to have lived in Chicago for over a decade. During that time, she has written about feelings, food, and fandom, and consumed many carne asada burritos. You can find her most places on the Internet @rosamund.
Ali Kelley is a writer living in Brooklyn. She writes essays and satire about office life, trash pop culture, and the absurdity of being a woman. You can find her online at aliskelley.com.
