As The Final Girl of Multiple Horror Franchises, I Really Need You to Start Believing Me When I Say There’s a Murderer on the Loose

LISTEN TO ME!

Tab Parker
The Belladonna Comedy

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Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

As your Final Girl, the sole survivor of every horror movie, I think it’s time we talked about how ludicrous it is that you never believe me. You’re always telling me I’m wrong, or crazy, or worried about nothing. So, here we are being chased by a psychotic maniac again, and I still don’t think it’s the “perfect time to throw a party,” Heather.

I’ll admit, some of the things that I have said or done could have been written off as my imagination. The guy in the William Shatner mask and blue jumpsuit outside of our history class that only I saw could have just been a gardener or an overly-cautious bee-keeper. It could have been some tall kid in a Halloween costume. It was, after all, Halloween. Doubting me there was well within reason. However, once babysitters start getting murdered, I feel like a phone call to say, hey, I think you were right would have gone a long way towards making me feel better. But instead, you had your boyfriend over for a bang session in an empty house. Honestly, I shouldn’t have to say this, but even if it was your boyfriend standing silently in the doorway, wearing a sheet, staring at you; get the fuck out of there. That’s not normal human behavior. It’s certainly not a fun prank.

I can also see why you wouldn’t immediately jump to the conclusion that the recently reopened summer camp was being stalked by the mother of a former camper who drowned. It’s just that when people started disappearing mysteriously, then the power went out, we should have been a bit more proactive. Acting like everyone decided to go home without saying anything and having a bonfire is not a great way to approach an emergency situation.

Also, that guy on the bike tried to warn us, and you all wrote him off as crazy, but he was really trying to help. Maybe we should be listening to the locals in a situation we don’t fully comprehend; they know more about neighborhood lake drownings than we do. Also, I think this is an excellent time to remind you that I was right about the first guy in the jumpsuit. You’ll undoubtedly want to split up now and look for a flashlight or take a shower in the dark, go right ahead. I’m sure it’s fine.

It’s pretty ridiculous that I even have to say we should keep the camp closed after the unbelievable slaughter that occurred 5 years ago. I understand that Ms. Voorhees was killed, but someone tracked down the girl who killed her and murdered her, too. Who would have done that? Don’t you think they might have an issue with the camp in general? Why have we turned the story of the drowned boy into a spooky campfire tale? This is a tremendously bad idea, and I haven’t even gotten to the part where this is yet another person creeping around in a jumpsuit (overalls count). But by all means, go skinny-dipping in the lake where he died, I’m sure nothing unfortunate will happen to you.

Even after all of this, I understand why it was difficult to believe me when I said a dead pedophile was trying to kill people in their dreams. But you all watched me fall asleep in that hospital bed, with no one else in the room. You saw me freak out while dreaming and wake up holding a hat that I didn’t have before. Then you still say, “it’s just a dream?” Where the fuck did this hat come from, Mother? You think I have magic hat producing abilities, but that it would be preposterous for a dream monster to murder me while I’m sleeping? NOW who is being hysterical? Do you think this Doctor is even credible — look at the poster on his wall.

Yeah, you do look tired. Getting some sleep now in the middle of this sleep-related murder crisis sounds like a great idea. Why don’t you just do that?

Listen, I can’t really talk about this anymore. I have to go into my dreams to fight this Freddy jackass and save everyone. Again. Then I’m going to live in the woods by myself under an assumed name until another killing spree inevitably pulls me back to my hometown. Just do me a favor, okay? If you find a book written in weird Latin, under no circumstances should you read it out loud. Yes, I know you’re going to do it anyway. Have fun camping, assholes.

Tab Parker is a writer and performer from Dallas. She has written for Points in Case, Weekly Humorist, Slackjaw, and Haven Comedy. You can follow her on Twitter @TabSpiderman or look at her picture on her website tabparker.com.

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An alum of Chicago’s The Second City, iO, & other comedy schools. Began writing as a kid, when I was 10 I won an award for an embarrassing poem about dolphins.