April the Giraffe’s Birth Plan
Because I have to give birth eventually.
As you may know, my pregnancy has caused QUITE THE STIR here at the Animal Adventure Park in upstate New York. This is mainly for three reasons. Firstly, my labor is being live-streamed to the world. Exciting! Fun giraffe fact: did you know we are exempt from privacy laws? I learned that when a billion people pointed a Facebook live broadcast at my hoo-ha! Secondly, I am like a month overdue, only fueling the frenzy. I’m sure this has absolutely nothing to do with being a little camera shy at the idea of the whole world zooming in on my lady-giraffe parts while they churn out a calf.
Lastly, we’re all so desperate for news that doesn’t involve powerful humans taking a daily wrecking ball to society. I suppose this is the only remaining safe haven, where the worst thing you’ll see is a giraffe’s vagina being decimated in real time.
For all these reasons, it’s super important to me that the actual birth be as peaceful and smooth as possible. I think you’ll find I’m extremely laid-back and flexible. But I just have a few teensy weensy requirements to keep everything running smoothly.
Yoga ball: I will require one. Not to labor on, I just like to sort of enrich my habitat with human items to stay mentally sharp.
Clothing: As a traditional hospital gown will not be an option for me, I will instead wear only a lace jabot around my neck a la RBG. This will empower me during the birthing process while also letting me feel fancy AF.
Music: Toto’s “Africa”, on repeat. Duh.
Guests: My sister Kiki may visit me at any point. The calf’s father, Keith, may not. He knows what he did.
Doula: My doula Pam will be with me throughout. She is also a giraffe, but you’ll be able to identify her as a doula because she’s very chill and will be wearing Birkenstocks.
Epidural: Let me be clear. I. will. NOT. deliver. this. calf. without. one. Actually it will take 13 of them, as I weigh roughly 2000 pounds. Hoping to do a lot of post-partum SoulCycle and snap back to a svelte 1800.
Hard Labor: Once the contractions really get going, I’ll need a visual focal point to keep me centered. I’ve brought my favorite signed 8x10 glossy of Jungle Jack Hanna (my #MCM forever), please send someone up in a cherry picker lift to hold it for me.
Delivery: The calf will emerge over 6 feet tall and will be able to stand and look you in the eye almost immediately. He will have his MBA within the first 20 minutes. Don’t show how intimidated this makes you feel, as it will position you as inferior to the calf and also Tina, the hot nurse.
Post-delivery: Plenty of spot-to-spot contact and an acacia leaf smoothie (in a bottle). That’s for the calf. I will have Jack Daniels, forage 23 In-N-Out double doubles animal-style, and binge-watch a full season of This is Us in peace, as I have been in labor for 78 days on live TV and you monsters owe me.
Note: If complications arise and a c-section will be required…good luck with all that.
Brooke Preston is a Midwest-based comedy writer, satirist and storyteller. She’s a contributor to The Second City Network; her work has been published by McSweeney’s, National Lampoon, Reductress, The Huffington Post, StarWipe, Robot Butt, RedEye Chicago, Romper and more. She enjoys adventuring with her husband, daughter and doofy lab, and seeking out exceptional deals on cheese. Follow her at brookeprestoncomedy.com or on Twitter @bigu.
