Another Gut-Punch Round-Up Of Parental Leave Stats From Around The World
Locals always check their galoshes for healthy, thriving babies before going out into the rain.
In a warm country in which you did not become a parent: They get two years paid time, a reassuring pep talk from a kindly mother of ten, and a teeth whitening coupon that never expires.
In a cold country in which you did not become a parent: Parents are offered 28 weeks at 70% pay and their baby’s first words are full stanzas of self-satisfied poetry:
“Mama, the flutter in my chest
reaches the window
sooner than you might think”
In a country just above you: Every basket, bowl, and tub in sight is full to the brim with giggling, contented babies who have had access to free healthcare. Locals always check their galoshes for healthy, thriving babies before going out into the rain.
In a county with a name you’re uneasy about pronouncing in public: There’s a government sponsored option available in which the entire new family is encircled by sparrows, casseroles and well-meaning neighbors for six months.
On this small island: It’s customary for people to give birth to the sound of a nearby chorus singing the words, “We care about life even after it can breathe with its own lungs” and then get 30 weeks paid at 50% of their salary.
In this country that’s only mountains: They tied up a huge banner between two peaks that reads “Paternity Leave? You betcha!”
In this country whose national motto is actually, “We barely even like babies, they make too many demands”: Parents still get 16 weeks off at 63% of their pay.
In a country that seems to exist in Technicolor: You have to name your baby after an Instagram filter, but you get 4 months paid leave, universal bilingual preschool, and a stack of non-itchy afghan blankets.
In a country made of interconnected canal cities: Leaders have made the connection between the well-being of babies and the well-being of their future population. A baby’s first birthday is commemorated with a ride in a gondola constructed from thick fruit-based cake. After the proud parents add the Polaroid of their child to the public mural of one-year-old babies in cake boats, they return to their job — where they find that the door has been held open.
In that country with the pointy palaces: They make a point of supporting families because people need people and if that’s inconvenient to the system, then the system can suck it.
In the country where you became a parent: If your company has more than seventy employees who are over 5 ft 5 in tall and if ALL of those employees have a center part AND think you’ll be a good parent who never yells, you are eligible for 12 weeks off. You get no money during that time, but if you post photos of your baby online your boss might comment “shit, you really were pregnant.” The government, for its part, mails you pamphlets titled “So you had a baby before becoming an American mogul — how quaint” and “Balance is for the weak and the steady” and “Good luck, you leaky sucker.”
On that trash island in the ocean: No official parental leave legislation has been passed yet, but it’s only a matter of time before this collection of plastic bottles and fishing nets has a more progressive stance than the country where you had your kid.
Janelle Bassett’s writing appears in The Rumpus, American Literary Review, The Offing, New Delta Review, Smokelong Quarterly, and Slice Magazine. She is an Assistant Fiction Editor for Split Lip Magazine and tweets at @hazmatcat. Read more of her work here.
