Amazon HQ Request For Proposal — North Pole
Your search for a new home ends here!
Dear Jeff — may I call you Jeff? Excuse me, Mr. Bezos,
My name is Santa Claus. Well, technically, that’s my title — last name Claus, title of Santa. It’s a long story. But I’m writing to you today because I would love to be considered for another title — General Manager of Amazon HQ, North Pole.
Now, I know you’re fielding proposals from some pretty fancy-dancy places. Chicago, New York, Edmonton — fine cities, all. But what we’ve got here at the North Pole represents a truly special opportunity for Amazon as you search for a location for your new headquarters. Allow me to elaborate:
LOCATION: Some folks will say, but Santa, the North Pole is so remote! Well, let me tell you — from up here at the top of the world, we can be anywhere in the blink of an eye. We’re literally in the center of it all! And Santa’s Village is a LEED-certified modern urban dweller’s dream — walkable, with loads of charm, and plenty of reindeer paths. How many other cities can boast houses made of literal gingerbread? We’ve also got millions of acres of tundra to build out into — consider any oil you find out there to be an added value!
LABOR: I am proud to say that we have the world’s best-trained, most dedicated workforce in the history of manufacture: elves. Their small size makes them cost-efficient to feed and house — I should know, I built the cottages myself! Our elves aren’t just skilled and loyal — they’re literally unable to quit. Their unique genetic makeup renders them incapable of leaving the Pole and unfit for any other kind of work — I made sure of it when I created them. And cost of labor? These little fellas trade their labor for nothing more than Christmas cheer and a daily teaspoon of powdered sugar. We’re happy to submit any workers that relocate to the Pole to our proprietary Elvening process. A cost-free, permanent workforce?
Beat that, Denver!
SHIPPING INFRASTUCTURE: Look, your drones are great. A real nice try, guys. But as you may already know, I can get literally billions of presents all over the world in the space of 24 hours. Some folks say that the magic won’t scale — that trying to use Christmas magic every day of the year will turn Santaland into a burned-out wasteland, bereft of all goodness and hope. I say those people lack vision.
CORPORATE TAXES: I literally have no idea what those words mean.
In short, I hope you’ll consider us, Mr. Bezos — after all, you may not believe in me, but I certainly believe in you.
Sincerely,
Kris Kringle
Emily Flake is a cartoonist, writer, performer, and illustrator. Her work appears regularly in The New Yorker, The Nib, The New York Times, and many other publications. She is the author of Mama Tried, a book of essays and cartoons about parenting. Medium handle: @EmilyFlake T: @emilyflake I: @eflakeagogo
