All I Want For Christmas Is U…
…niversal healthcare and student loan forgiveness and robust public transit in every city and free public housing for all who need it and every workplace to unionize in a shift that ultimately leads to the rise of worker co-ops in the U.S. and to abolish the police and enact heavy prison/criminal justice reform and for Gordon Ramsay to admit his grilled cheese looks fucking disgusting.
But in the absence of all that, we put together The Belladonna Gift Guide!!! This holiday season, surprise someone with a book by a Belladonna author!
Now let’s get into the business of the week:
DECEMBER 2021 CONTENT CALL
***The Belladonna is closing submissions from December 18–31, so keep that in mind when you send us holiday and New Year’s Eve pieces!***
12/10 — Emily Dickinson; 12/13 — Taylor Swift; 12/16 — Jane Austen
HOLIDAYS/THEMES:
ALL MONTH — winter & end of the year pieces; 11/28–12/6 — Hanukkah; 12/21 — winter solstice; 12/25 — Christmas; 12/26–1/1 — Kwanzaa; 12/31 — New Year’s Eve
LAST WEEK ON THE BELLADONNA
HELP! My Wife Lied To Me! by Tiffany Babb
“By lied, I mean ‘wrote a best-selling book during her lunch hour!’”
You Don’t Want To Miss Our Biggest Blowout Sale of the Season!! Fine Print by Rebecca Landman
“75% off select item somewhere in the back with promo code WHEREISIT”
Survival Tips For This Year’s Virtual Turkey Trot by Kristen Mulrooney
“You want to pace yourself, but also run fast enough so the turkeys can’t catch up to you.”
Quiz: Are You Mentoring Your Employee, Sexually Harassing Her, Or Suffering From A Sudden-Onset Severe Shellfish Allergy? by Jessica F. Lillian
“Figuring out whether you’re mentoring someone or committing sexual harassment can be tricky.”
Dear God, It’s Me, Death. Please Accept This Letter As My Formal Resignation by Emily Kling
“Over the last year, I’ve been feeling incredibly overworked.”
Travel Reviews of Everyday Parent Getaways: An Excerpt from ‘Babies Don’t Make Small Talk (So Why Should I?)’ by Julie Vick
“Under the bed: 3 1/2 stars”
EDITORS EXPLAIN: Query Letters
Here are some simple DOs and DON’Ts for when you’re submitting:
- DO address the letter to all of the current editors (if the publication has more than one editor)!
- DO be friendly (you’re not a robot)! But also be professional. You can do both at the same time!
- DON’T insult the people you’re trying to get to publish your piece! (Seriously. Why?)
- DO be confidant! DON’T undercut yourself by being insecure or humble in a way that takes yourself down a peg. (We want you to succeed!)
- DO give us a sense of your credits! (But DON’T give us your whole life story.) Be concise! Give us the highlights! Your cover letter shouldn’t be longer than your piece.
- DON’T make us think your piece was rejected by another publication! DON’T mention it. DON’T keep the same very specific and recognizable submission format of another popular satire site.
- And it should go without saying, but DO follow all submission guidelines!
Bonus tip: While you aren’t required to be funny, making us smile has been known to warm us up.
Happy submitting! We hope your query letters find us well.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Follow The Belladonna on Twitter and Instagram!
And if you’ve been published in The Belladonna before, you can join our Slack Writers’ Room — just email us at thebelladonnacomedy@gmail.com and we’ll add you!
Thanks for reading, and keep being your amazing selves!
— The Belladonna Editors
(Brooke, Fiona, Ashley, Emily, Alice, Heidi, and Kristen)
