Academic Jargon Explains Why I Deserve To Masturbate To A White Mermaid
I’m the least racist person in this white mermaid fetish chat room!
I’m not a racist! I am just grieved to see our beloved Western cultural institutions fall prey to the tyranny of woke ideology and “multiethnic” groupthink. For these reasons and many other legitimate ones I shall herewith elucidate, I firmly believe that I deserve to spank my monkey thinking about a white-skinned mermaid.
Choosing a Black actress to play a role that is traditionally emblematic of the greatness of European folklore is, put simply, a betrayal of our commitment to our distinguished heritage and, frankly, unnatural. Moreover, I can only reliably ejaculate to images of a buxom white lady in a seashell bikini top.
This has nothing to do with any kind of prejudice against Black people. Far from it! I’m the last person who would demand that a white actress be inserted into the Wakanda universe or even on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and in fact the imagery of such a juxtaposition only provokes the strongest resistance from myself and like-minded logicians safeguarding the principles of historical accuracy. Let us not even speculate on such an aberrant possibility! Instead, we should focus on a pale skinned torso grafted onto the tail of an aquatic creature so I can jizz all over my sheets.
Ariel is widely agreed to be the most alluring Disney princess, an impressive feat given the titillating, anemic competition. That is a supposition simply based on data, and only unscientific liberals would try to subvert this truth and defile our timeless folktales by casting a non-white in this role. Call me a sophist, but I much prefer rationality and continuity, and also whipping my willy to pasty complexions and milky cleavage.
A friend of mine is currently conducting a worthy experiment, using Artificial Intelligence to replace each frame of the new mermaid film so that the protagonist is not only light skinned, but a redhead, conforming to the empirical model established by our ancestors. Hopefully, I, and future generations, will be able to use this innovative opus to yank my flesh dong.
According to Encyclopedia Britannica, in European folklore, mermaids loved music and could marry a man if he stole her comb or mirror. The Danish writer Hans Christian Andersen immortalized this myth in his timeless narrative about a 15-year-old white maiden who saves the life of a handsome white prince. Given these precedents, it is naturally implausible to interpolate a different set of parameters onto these beloved characters, and for me to successfully jangle myself to climax unless I stay true to Andersen’s original Nordic intent.
Should Black people be employed in Hollywood? Of course they should! There are so many roles that would be suitable for them, excluding anything associated with our Anglo-European Judeo-Christian culture, such as Downton Abbey, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Disney films, The Marvel Universe, House of the Dragon, and Entourage. When we all agree to be civilized, we can acknowledge that there’s nothing wrong with my acting as a guardian of my ancestral legends, and also pounding my pork sausage while I imagine a sexy, Caucasian fish.
I hope this has been illuminating for those who ignorantly believed I had any bigoted intentions when opposing the casting of a Black actress as Ariel. Shame on you for even entertaining such a debased notion! Now please excuse me, while I bring myself to orgasm while watching a white mermaid cartoon.
Devorah Blachor is the author of The Feminist’s Guide To Raising A Little Princess. Her writing and humor have appeared in The New Yorker, The New York Times and The Washington Post, among others. Find her on Twitter.
