A Waist Trainer Manifesto
I am a slimming corset and my singular purpose in life is to stack your organs on top of each other like a tower of children’s blocks
Greetings!
I see that in your quest for babe-hood you have happened upon me, a waist trainer! Although “waist trainer” brings to mind the image of a diligent yet patient coach, my objective is far more simple. I am a slimming corset and my singular purpose in life is to stack your organs on top of each other like a tower of children’s blocks.
When you saw me on an Instagram ad, I appeared to be just the thing to turn your midsection from “spare tire” to “sexy fire.” I am a slimming corset and I am made of neoprene and wishes, but the most important thing to know about me is that I have never seen a set of human organs that I didn’t want to arrange one on top of the other like cans on a grocery store shelf.
You eagerly welcomed me onto your body, your new partner in beauty. However, like a homing missile, I mindlessly chase my mission to reorder your internal organs in a neat vertical position without empathy or desire. There is no partnership here. All I possess is the intense focus of fulfilling that one paramount goal that I was made for. To reposition your innards, like golf balls in a tube.
You see me and you hear my whispers, promises of what could be, in me you see hope and the promise of holding you tight as we usher in a new shapely reality together. But what you don’t see is that those promises are just window dressing for my one true ambition and intent- to make all of those guts of yours go straight “uppy-downy” in your suppressed, sweaty abdomen. Stacked, like tarot cards, in a haunted bookstore.
In my quest, I have taken shape on women young and old. I have graced the midsections of many, such as Kim Kardashian and Laura from accounting, but to me, they’re all the same. They are all but spokes in the wheel that carries out my truest design to roll your insides into a favorable position to be then stacked atop each other like bundles of cash on a Mafioso’s walnut desk.
I am a slimming corset and my drive and dedication to my craft is unmatched. There is not a thing on earth that can distract me from my aim — to displace those meaty organs and shift them into a neat orderly column within the confines of your ribs. Other people will find you attractive, sure, but they won’t realize it’s because your abdominal bits have been carefully stacked, like muppets in a trenchcoat.
I am a slimming corset, and there are few things I can do, but in this I do excel. Playing Tetris with your organs, in between your tits and ass.
Mandi Em is a freelance writer, humorist and sweary wellness blogger behind Healthy Living for Hot Messes. Follow her on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.
