A Quick Pep Talk Before Our Meeting With the CEO

We’re a strong, capable group of women — but he CANNOT know.

Taylor Kay Phillips
The Belladonna Comedy

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Hands In, On 3! 1, 2, 3, Don’t Reveal We’re Highly Competent!

Okay ladies, here we go. We’ve dotted our I’s and crossed our T’s in planning this conference. All that’s left to do is get the Lionel the CEO’s sign off on our budget. We’ve worked long and hard for this and now we’re going to walk in that room and show that guy he’s boss.

That’s right, my fierce, strong, competent women — we’re going to go in there look him dead in the eye and change everything about ourselves to make the situation palatable for him. The very personality traits that got us here are the same ones that could ruin this completely. And we are all too good at our jobs to let being good at our jobs get in the way of getting this job done. So we might as well find joy and strength in our capability to play both parts. Or we’ll all probably go insane.

Monique, you’re our ideas woman. Always pushing us to think harder and go further. The first idea is NEVER good enough. Until this meeting. We can’t wait to watch you treat everything that Lionel comes up with like it’s genius. Like that time he suggested that in order to sell potato chips to women we should call them potato chicks and make the bag pink. God, you acted like that was so revolutionary. I would have nominated you for an Oscar if having a formal accolade wasn’t scientifically shown to make you more intimidating and less likable to men. Let’s freaking DO this. I have decided to be energized by this situation!

Maria, oh my gosh girl can you turn a phrase. Your command of the English (and Spanish!) language is unparalleled. We are in awe of your ability to express yourself and so grateful for your commitment to be totally silent in this meeting because he finds your voice simultaneously too loud and too high pitched for him to hear. You INSPIRE us! Your skills are valuable to us. Your ability to restrain yourself from using your skills in front of men is just as valuable to us! This is the world we live in, so let’s just get excited about it, I guess.

Lindy, you did such a great job in all of our meetings of keeping us on track, we value you. And I cannot wait to watch you completely let everything go haywire in this meeting so that you don’t come off as aggressive. Like our last all-hands when Lionel derailed us for 20 minutes to tell us that duck penises are corkscrew-shaped and show youtube videos of mallards fucking. I brought second skin if you bite your lip so hard it bleeds again. You can literally do your job and do the opposite of your job. I’m not over it yet!!

Summer, you are so sharp and fearless. You have amazing aesthetic taste, all of your thinking is rooted in strong strategy, and you’re an incredibly smart and poised presenter. You are also the prettiest one, so we’re going to need to you to flirt a little, sit in front, and smile the whole time. You’ve got the brains, you’ve got the beauty — and you’ve got enough brains to use your beauty when your brains will make a small man scared. GOD! Women are so versatile and amazing, is I guess the takeaway message here.

Ricki, you keep us laughing. And you always do the right thing — like sitting out this meeting entirely because Lionel’s a little mad at you right now for beating him at Presidential trivia to win a lime green hoverboard. I believe his exact words were “Ben Franklin was TOO a president, he just didn’t have the title. President is a state of mind and dude loved beer. I deserve the hoverboard. I only have 3.” And you just sat there and took it! You have a MASTERS degree in US History. HOW?! How do we put up with this every day of our lives!? We are MIRACLES!

And for my part, my glorious team. I will be in there with you. I have been tough. I have been loud. I have sometimes seemed like I will never be satisfied. But I promise you, when we walk into that room — I will bring Lionel his coffee at the perfect temperature and take notes. I am the leader of this team of incredible women — and while Ginger Rogers could do everything Fred Astaire could do, backward and in high heels — if it would have stroked his ego enough to advance her career, she would have done it kind of shaky in Birkenstocks too.

Troy from IT. You are a true ally and we love you. Thank you for agreeing to lead the meeting.

Taylor Kay Phillips is a writer and comedian living in NYC. She has written for Reductress and McSweeney’s and is a writer for the monthly show NightLate at the UCB. Follow her on Twitter to find out which doors she ran into this week @taykayphillips.

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contributor @TNYShouts, @Reductress, @McSweeneys, @TheBelladonnaComedy, makes great burgers