A Letter to My Future Self — Gwen Stefani, 1996
There is NO DOUBT you’re a not sell out, just checking in!
Hey Gwen!
How are you? I’m good. How is the punk going?
This is so crazy, but it’s me: bad ass but friendly and I wear pink and I’m blonde ska punk singer Gwen Stefani. I am 26 years old, and you are however old you are. I am the coolest girl on the planet. I wore a bindi once and now they’re selling them at all of the Claire’s stores. I’m sorry for bragging!!! But it is 1996, and this is just a fact.
I am so PUNK PASSIONATE (TM, haha) that I thought I’d write a letter to my future self to make sure the punk is going great. Just gotta make sure you’re not selling out! Haha, that would b weird. There is nooooo way that I will ever, ever, EVER abandon my punk roots and record a not edgy Christmas album and do a Christmas special on like, NBC or something, but I’m a worrier! I had to do something to remind myself to keep the punk inside of me, even when I am an Old Gwen like you.
But first, if you haven’t done any of these yet, here are some things I want to do in my lifetime that I hope you have time to do at your very old age:
- Go to Japan
- Have a group of Japanese girls follow me for art
- Try some rapping with a totally cool lady rapper. Girl power!
- Explore the underrated state of Oklahoma!
- Understand what country music is all about, but don’t kiss a guy who sings it
- Record a Christmas album but it’s edgy and I don’t care
- Find an incredibly creative way to tell the world how to spell the word banana (it’s a toughie!)
You’re gonna laugh so hard at this, but I had this crazy dream recently that in the middle of the night when I am an Old Gwen, someone sneaks into my punk pink (TM) home and murders the punk out of me, but not the pink. In the dream, I was around your age, Old Gwen, but my skin looked exactly the same. I think I actually looked better in the dream than I do now, which is SO totally amazing! I mean, wow.
In the dream, I was dating this guy with a country accent. He sang country songs. Songs about things like dirt roads, ladies in tight jeans (as a trend setter I know that those are SOOoo never coming back — baggy or bust, I always say!), driving around town in a big muddy truck with a toothpick in your mouth but you don’t use it to get anything out of your teeth, hanging out in grass, and cracking open a beer with a bunch of gnats flying into your eyes. Like, what? I was kissing him!
And it gets worse, Old Gwen! I’m sure you have forgotten this horrific dream you had over 20 years ago, but let me tell you the scariest part. You seriously won’t believe this:
We were singing Christmas songs that weren’t punk at all, not even a LITTLE BIT. On NBC. NBC, Old Gwen! It was so weird. Why was I kissing a country singer on NBC, the “Seinfeld” channel? I kiss ska singers. That’s just who I am, and who I ALWAYS will be.
The older I get, the more I realize that adults can abandon their dreams as they age. But I am the goddess of ska. I will always be cooler than Alanis Morrissette, no offense. SHE’S COOL BUT DOES SHE WEAR BINDIS?
Unlike Alanis, I’m a cute little blonde punk who loves pink, has a banging voice that gives people goosebumps, an even more banging bod and I’m always down to set the trends that my fans will be able to purchase from a dELiA*s catalog 6–8 months after I am photographed.
If the punk is going bad, which is obviously a very funny joke because that would be so crazy, please follow these instructions:
- Set yourself on fire
- Remember how special Kurt Cobain was
- Is getting a finger in the butt still punk as hell, or does Mariah Carey do it now???
Anyways, just wanted to write this to check in. I hope you’re good.
Till death punk us part,
Gwen Stefani, age 26
Carrie Wittmer knows how to spell banana.
