A Letter From the Committee on Good Deeds
We will not be able to issue you Karma Points for any of your submitted “good deeds” this month.
Dear John,
I see you’ve submitted eight good deeds this month, a record high. You said in your application that you realized there was a “lot of bad stuff” going on in the world, and you finally wanted to take a stand and do something about it. Also, that activism is “in” on Hinge. We appreciate your efforts; however, we’re not able to issue Karma Points for any of these. We’ve disclosed our reasoning for each below.
1. You had potential at the start of the month. You registered to be an Organ Donor, which was good, but then you caveated that your brain must be donated to science as “an example for the human race.” Not acceptable. Save your attention-seeking antics for the Whimsy Committee.
2. You helped an old lady out of a taxi, but upon closer inspection, we realized she was only “old” by your (and Leonardo DiCaprio’s) standards. She was in her mid-30s, and you were trying to sleep with her, because you’re — in your words — “going through a MILF phase.” 0 Karma Points, since you asked for her number. (No, we don’t care that she didn’t give it to you.)
3. Following news of nation-wide abortion bans, you registered to vote on the fifth of the month. Unfortunately, you messed up and registered instead for the MTV music awards instead of the midterm elections. We empathize because the GOP has made this particularly hard to do, but we can’t give Karma Points for failure.
4. You decided it was time to “get real” about global warming (better 30 years late than never), so you stopped flying for the sake of the environment. However, the only flight you canceled was to your sister’s wedding on the 10th. Our research suggests that her wedding location was a six-hour train ride from you, so even without flying, attendance would have been possible. Also, you flew to Cabo last weekend. I don’t know how you thought we wouldn’t know — you scanned your passport at the airport.
5. You decided that it was futile for an individual to solve climate change, so instead, you turned your good deeds to the community around you. You claim to be “spending a lot of time keeping your parents company,” but we fact-checked with them. They want you to move out, but they’re afraid to push it, because they know the economy is rough. It’s been eight years, though.
6. On the 22nd, you saw a wallet on the street and didn’t steal it. We’d like to reiterate — as per our guidelines — that a good deed is not merely the absence of a bad deed. Also, you checked the wallet and didn’t find any cash, which is why you left it on the street. While we can’t award you any Karma Points, we do applaud you for not taking the $15 Chipotle gift card. To be honest, we assumed you would.
7. As the month came to a close, in a move of desperation, you volunteered to help with a fundraiser. The organization you picked was the “Society for the Blind,” because you believed they wouldn’t notice if you weren’t at the meetings (you were wrong). You attended one planning meeting but sat next to the most attractive woman there and asked for her number at the end. Again, we cannot award Karma Points solely because she didn’t give it to you.
8. You offered to promote their fundraiser on social media. Upon further inspection, we found you were walking while creating the post. Avoiding your gait, a child on a scooter swerved straight into an old man, falling on top of him. Then, a woman tripped on the old man’s cane, face-planting onto the concrete as a boy, walking his dog, tumbled over her, crying as the dog escaped. You’re lucky we’re not filing a complaint with the Committee of Bad Taste. (They’re working through a backlog of reports about people clogging up sidewalks, “TikTok dancing.”) Ultimately, your entire claim to be involved with the “Society for the Blind” has been rejected, as they have no recollection of you. Granted, they’re not good with faces, but they hadn’t even heard your name. Probably because you only have six followers, and hence your promotion did very little.
9. You only submitted eight good deeds, but we will, however, gift you one Karma Point for the day you didn’t volunteer your opinion on the attractiveness of your office’s receptionist. It only happened once, but a lot of people were very grateful.
Please refer to the guidelines in our handbook before submitting deeds next month, as we have a backlog of letters and are currently understaffed. If you wish to dispute this verdict, address the Complaints Department (not to be confused with the Committee on Public Complaints).
Sincerely,
The Committee on Good Deeds
Noel Leon is a standup comedian, humorist author, and journalist based in Venice Beach, California. She regularly performs at the Laugh Factory, Comedy Store, and other historic venues in LA. Her words are often seen in Bust Magazine, Weekly Humorist, Whalebone Magazine, Westside Current, and more! And, you can watch her in Season 2 of Sherman’s Showcase on Hulu.
Ginny Hogan is an NY-based author and standup comic. She’s a contributor for the New Yorker, the Atlantic, the New York Times, Cosmopolitan, the Observer, McSweeney’s, and Vulture. Forbes recently profiled her as a rising satire star, and she was one of Paste’s top humorists of 2019.
