A Gentle Reminder From A Trojan Mother To Her Recently Ambushed Son
The Trojan Horse was a truly nightmarish gift…but it still requires a thank you note.
Dear Periosphis,
My son, I was so relieved to hear that you survived that horrendous attack from the Greeks! How terrifying it was to learn that their gift of a horse statue was nothing more than an apparatus of death. I wept in anguish for the vicious destruction brought down upon you and your fellow soldiers. That being said, you do still need to write a thank you note.
I know, I know, it was a horrible gift that directly caused the gruesome murder of dozens of your friends and officers, and you witnessed brutal carnage that will haunt you for decades to come. I get it that it’s not precisely, or even remotely, what you wanted. But if we only wrote thank you notes for “perfect” gifts then we’d never write thank you notes at all, and that would just be bad manners.
I’m not saying you have to like the Greeks. I hate them with a fury that burns hotter than a thousand suns, but that doesn’t mean that we can just drop all the rules of etiquette, can we? One time, your aunt Aerodys bought me this tunic that she knew would look awful on me (it draped in all the wrong places and it had those shoulder fasteners which she knows I just despise) and I still had to write her a nice note, even though I haven’t touched that hideous thing since. What I’m saying is, courtesy applies to everyone, including the people who savagely tore apart your city limb from limb in a wicked, soulless rage.
Think about it this way, there was a lot of thought put into that present, even if the thought was, “how do we slaughter the largest amount of people in the bloodiest, most barbarian way possible?” At the very least they did their research in finding an animal you guys would like. Horses are the emblem of Troy, after all, so maybe you can write something nice about that, assuming you’ll be able to find a piece of clay or parchment in the ruins of your desecrated city. Perhaps, “It was so considerate of you to bring us a horse, but I will still kill you in cold blood,” or maybe, “I so appreciate the effort that went into building a replica of our favorite animal, but I hope you die in a slow, prolonged death that I, myself, am the cause of.” Just something simple to let them know their gesture didn’t go unnoticed.
I know you’re probably busy attending funerals for your fallen brethren and attempting to piece together the remains of your shattered, irrevocably broken life, but do try and carve out some time to work on a note soon. It’s so important to get these things out in a timely manner, they say the best time to start writing a thank you letter is as soon as you finish opening a gift. Or, as soon as you finish stanching your bleeding limbs. I will pray for your continued safety and security, just as soon as you complete this simple (but necessary!) task.
Godspeed,
Mother
Michelle Cohn is a New York-based writer and over-analyzer of all things pop culture.
