Caroline Horwitz – Medium

Caroline Horwitz

Caroline Horwitz
in
MuddyUm

Future Career Options for Your Daughters, According to Harrison Butker

I totally support women in the workforce!

3 min read1 day ago

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Woman standing in a kitchen while wearing pink apron and holding mixing bowl and whisk, smiling at camera

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Caroline Horwitz
in
The Belladonna Comedy

Maligning This Celebrity’s Significant Other Online Is the Surest Way to His Heart

She doesn’t know what it is to be a fan

4 min readMay 9, 2024

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Image shows glamorous bride in wedding gown and groom in tuxedo holding hands and wearing sunglasses outside a bright white casita with blue sky, palm tree, and potted plants

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Caroline Horwitz
in
Frazzled

How to Overthink a Kid’s Birthday Party in 21 Easy Steps

The pressure to please 11-year-olds who will inevitably start a burping contest is intense

5 min readMay 8, 2024

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Rows of pepperoni pizza slices against a bright orange background

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Caroline Horwitz
in
MuddyUm

Rejected Met Gala Themes

Anna Wintour didn’t go for any of these

2 min readMay 7, 2024

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Model wearing loose, spotted high-fashion dress and white cap with chin strap and sitting between blue and red modern art sculptures in front of a white background

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Caroline Horwitz
in
Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

I’m a Door-to-Door Salesman on a Segway and I Know You’re Stoked I’m Here

You’ll be seeing a lot more of me now that the weather’s nice

4 min readMay 7, 2024

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Man in red shirt and hat holding clipboard and knocking on home door

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Caroline Horwitz
in
Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Had Enough of the Disney Parks? Then Visit Don Bluth Land!

You’ve never known fun until you’ve boarded a boat sinking into lava and tried to escape a giant canine Satan

4 min readApr 25, 2024

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Had Enough of the Disney Parks? Then Visit Don Bluth Land!

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Caroline Horwitz
in
Frazzled

Quiz: “Glengarry Glen Ross” Quote, or What Your Boomer Dad Would’ve Said if You’d Called and…

You wouldn’t have dared

2 min readApr 22, 2024

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Image of businessman in full suit and tie as seen from the neck down, standing in front of open staircase and adjusting suit jacket.

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Caroline Horwitz
in
The Haven

I’m a Female Character in a Sex Comedy and My Life is a Nightmare

I have been legitimately stalked by men since high school, and it’s never stopped

4 min readApr 3, 2024

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Condom demonstration on a banana

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Caroline Horwitz
in
Jane Austen’s Wastebasket

Realistic Responses to Suggestive Song Lyrics

Nelly: It’s gettin’ hot in here (so hot) / So take off all your clothes. Me: Or you could just let me turn the thermostat down.

3 min readApr 2, 2024

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Woman wearing lingerie and holding wineglass sits near piano by candlelight

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Caroline Horwitz
in
Frazzled

Let the Battle of Day Camp Registration Commence!

Only the prepared will emerge victorious

3 min readMar 28, 2024

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Group of children outdoors pulling end of rope together in game of tug-of-war.

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Caroline Horwitz

Caroline Horwitz

Caroline is a humor writer from Pittsburgh. You can read more of her work at carolinehorwitzwriting.com. She hates writing bios but enjoys reading them.

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