8 Ways Your Aunt Can Vaguely Honor Black History Month While Still Not Sharing Her Insanely Racist Views
Your Aunt Carol really wants to fuck Michael B. Jordan, so she is NOT a racist!
We totally get it. Your aunt Carol has had a very, very long year. She’s basically been forced by her co-workers, distant friends and internet dwellers to post on social media every time a major event happens in our country and she no longer knows what to do! It’s 2021 now and she’s sick of talking about race! That was so 8 months of 2020. Plus, although she has no black friends, your Aunt Carol really wants to sleep with Michael B. Jordan, so she is NOT a part of the problem! 10 months ago, her IG page was filled of workout stats, fluffy dogs, martinis and bikinis. Today, it looks…well, exactly like that… plus one MLK quote! While we have to admit, she’s managed to gracefully finagle her way past showing any attention to Breonna Taylor, George Floyd or even commenting about White Supremacy and the recent insurrection. But how will she get through Black History Month and keep her coworkers, colleagues and millennial niece pleased without actually showing any of her true, disheartening beliefs on race? We got you, Auntie! Just follow these tips and you’ll be fooling folks in no time!
Tip 1:
On a random day in Feb, log onto Instagram and for no reason at all, post the following phrase: “I love Oprah! Don’t you just LOVE Oprah?” (Note: Do NOT post a photo of Oprah! You already have MLK-that makes TWO people of color on your page in a 6 year time span. Take that down! What are you doing?! Are you radicalized now???)
Tip 2:
When a friend asks what you’re doing to celebrate Black History Month, just shout, “uh….BEYONCEEEEE!!!” and run. This is called dropping the Beyonce “bomb”. According to recent studies, this should buy you at least 12 of February’s 28 days.
Tip 3:
Next time you walk into Whole Foods, point at the cashier and sing, “Say it loud! YOU’RE BLAC — “ On second thought…No. Just, no.
Get in your car, drive off and find a new place to buy strawberry La Croix.
Tip 4:
On an upcoming Zoom meeting, smack dab in mid February, use the background of an African safari. When everyone asks you why you chose that background, say, “No reason”, then look to your coworker Ebony and wink.
Tip 5:
Show your appreciation for African-Americans indelible contributions to the arts by stalking the personal account of that hot Duke from Bridgerton.
Tip 6:
Now that Rege Jean Page (AKA “Hot Duke from Bridgeton”) has had your IG account blocked, let’s move on to Twitter…
Tip 7:
Retweet your photo of the book, “How To Be An Anti Racist”. Yes, you never got past Chapter 1, but post it anyway. After all, it worked back in June. Once again, you’ll look like the ally you most certainly are NOT!
Tip 8:
If all else fails, post a pic of yourself eating cake batter ice cream. Perhaps by some transitive property, people will assume you’re eating Ben and Jerry’s, which is a notoriously woke brand, thus inadvertently putting you in the same category of “woke whites”. Look at you, Carol! You get to have a yummy, cheat day treat AND trick people into thinking you care about them! You are the basic white woman version of literally, “having your cake and eating it too!” There you have it! Now, you’ve successfully vague-behaved your way through Black History Month!
Hopefully, you’ve managed to stay neutral enough not to divulge any of your own fucked up opinions and piss off anyone you know! If all else fails and anyone still doubts your genuine intentions for a just, fair and equal world for all, they can just reference your awesome black square from 8 months ago!
You deleted it? Fuck.
Daisy Hobbs is a performer and comedy writer. Her humor writing has been published in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw and others. She has performed on Broadway, as a sketch performer at UCBTNY and is the creator of the popular musical web series, “OutCast”. www.DaisyHobbs.com Twitter: @DaisyHobbs. IG: DaisyHobbsComedy.
