5 Ways to Keep Your Boobs Saggy and Fabulous
No pain, no saggy breast gains
Saggy Boob Empowerment is the hottest trend, resulting in stronger, smarter, and more sensual women. We used to ‘get low’ in our 20s, but now it’s time to focus on keeping the boobs low in our 30s. Here at the Saggy Boob Brigade, a for-profit charity, we conducted multiple studies on feral turkeys and distilled this power into a simple measurement: BSI or Boob Sag Index. At a Level 2 BSI, women can spell BOOBS on their calculators with their eyes closed. At Level 10, the highest BSI, women are promoted faster at work, because their opinions and boobs carry more weight. If you want to be a respected female in society, then follow our recommendations. Because the only way to love your body…is to change it.
1. Lower Your Boobs by Lowering Your Self-Esteem
For busty babes wanting to do it the “natural way”, nothing brings a woman’s boobs down more than some self-criticism. Our test subjects reported real-time sagginess after hearing “You look really tired”, “Are you eating ALL of that?” and other subtle down-lifting phrases! If you’re having trouble ‘getting it DOWN’, we recommend frowning in the mirror while pushing your boobs south to trick your brain into misery. This beginner’s method allows you to replace disposable paper towels and wipe your dusty countertops with your new ‘Bounty’. Now when you sag, you’ll never be sad!
2. Surround Yourself with Other Saggy People
You become the average of the five people you spend the most time with, so don’t feel shame in prioritizing sag over size. However, saggy people don’t just fall out of the sky unless they’re deploying their boobs as a parachute while skydiving. Look for mammary gland-erous women at the Saggy Boob Brigade’s exclusive VIP club, where ultra-chic professionals bounce around their latest investment ideas. When you find that breast friend, you should flick her boob as a sign of respect. What are you waiting for? Put your boobs out there — we know you can hang low with the best of them!
3. Slap Them Around in Whac-A-Mole
If you love a good throwback, we recommend going the old school Whac-A-Mole route*. This is the perfect outlet to release some steam because your tits have been calm for FAR too long! To reach that high score, we recommend making ‘boing’ noises for extra effect, otherwise it’s just a bust. With enough practice, you can advance to games like “Head, Shoulders, Boobs, and Toes”. Life without elastic (bras), it’s fantastic.
*Please note this is only for ages 27 and up due to its high intensity*
4. Inject Them with 10 Pounds of Duck Fat
If you’ve ever heard that duck feathers keep your jackets padded, then you know that duck fat is nature’s weighted blanket. Not only does it give you a ~dramatic~ boob sag, you can use any leftover duck fat to season your potatoes, scones, or meatballs. And don’t listen to anyone else who disagrees with you spending your life savings on saggy breast surgery. They’re just jealous you get to BYOB (Bring Your Own Boobs) to bowling alleys!
5. Visit a Planet with a Stronger Gravitational Pull
According to three out of five Saggy Boob enthusiasts, even if you spend 24 hours a day stretching your knockers, science is still stacked against you. Luckily, we discovered a titillating solution on Mercury, where the gravitational pull is guaranteed to weaken your breast muscles (if the planet’s not in retrograde). On your journey back, you don’t have to worry about getting a middle seat because you can use your new bongos as a comfortable arm rest! Prepare for landing because this method helps you reach Level 10 on the Boob Sag Index! Take a moment of silence for your fallen breasts. You did it girl!
Just a reminder that this article is meant to uplift you, not your boobs. Think of us as your un-supportive system, here to bring them puppies down no matter the cost. Don’t fret if our methods don’t work immediately. The BSI is a complex scientific method that depends on several factors: genetics, diet, and how many times your mom humiliated you at Victoria’s Secret. Still not convinced of these powerful benefits? Just look at Hollywood, humanity’s north star, who dedicated a whole event to the SAG awards. When your boobs start to sag, that’s when your second life begins.
**The Saggy Boob Brigade is required by our lawyers to say we have no medical qualifications to morph your boobs into beautiful, saggy patties. We can’t control your body, only the beauty standards…so get your head out of your boobs. **
Vicki Tran is a DC humor writer who’s contributed to Slackjaw, The Belladonna, The Haven, Funny-ish, Maudlin House, and her friends’ tinder DMs. She used to moonlight as a college mascot (HokieBird) where she became very accustomed to other peoples’ sweat. When she’s not geeking out over low gas prices, she’s sharing musings on Twitter/Instagram @itsvickitran.
