5 Reasons Your Work Husband Is Mad at You And How to Make It Better Just Short of Offering Sex
Relationships are hard, people.
You’re a modern day woman, determined to juggle the demands of a fulfilling marriage recognizable by law and maintaining a somewhat-functional relationship with your work husband. While your “home husband” is sensitive and supportive, your work husband has you up at all hours of the night editing a PowerPoint template that won’t convert between Mac and Microsoft operating systems. Relationships need work, but you got this!
Give your work husband the same attention, humility and patience you would any child. And when that Mother Complex doesn’t quite do the trick, don’t be afraid to use your feminine wiles! Here are some reasons he might be mad at you and how to handle it:
1. You didn’t pipe in with “great idea, Jeff” at the last all-hands meeting
Instead you were answering a call in the hallway from your real-life husband. Work husbands are often threatened by home husbands. This is especially true between the hours of 9am to 6pm, which your work husband considers “your time together.” Be mindful not to mention real husband (George) to work husband (Jeff). As a solution, use code words to numb the reality of the situation. Instead of saying, “I can’t attend the holiday party because my husband and I will be in Costa Rica,” try, “I can’t attend the holiday party because my feline and I will be on the couch alone watching reruns of Archer.”
2. You declined to partake in the office softball league and the Sales team had to forfeit because they needed “one more girl”
Jeff was counting on you to even out the teams. All the other work wives were participating — they even designed sexy pinnies for the women to wear. It’s just softball, Jeff said, it’s specifically for pussies! Jeff didn’t understand why it upset you when he said that. Next time Jeff calls you a “pussy” for sitting out, explain the word is better used in the bedroom than the ball-field. Muster a wink that suggests, “I dabble in crossing the line.” Abruptly turn away from George when he reaches for you in the middle of the night. Disappear to a place where you no longer recognize yourself.
3. You asked Jeff for his salary history when you suspect wage discrimination at work
This is a novice offense. No matter how great a discrepancy between your starting salaries, your work husband must always make more than you. And he probably does! But make sure to insinuate he does. Sure, at home, George is able to maintain an erection despite knowing you are the family breadwinner. But if Jeff suspects you are compensated equally, he will stop including you in group g-chats and letting you step off the elevator first. Laugh it off and exclaim, “I don’t need money, I have these breasts!” Jeff loves when you talk “socialist” at work.
4. You told Jeff you felt confident onboarding the new hire without him
Do you want Jeff to feel purposeless? It is unwise to flaunt your confidence or take ownership away from Jeff. Undoubtedly, you would be a far better influence than Jeff, who has recently been reported to HR for vaping in the stairwell. If you feel the sudden urge to mentor, take this opportunity to check on the kids (interns). Once you have weaned the youngest off your tender teat, do not slump into your chair complaining of back pain and “not enough Ritalin.” Instead, show a little leg. It is not his fault your ambitions have heightened and that you can’t shut the fuck up about it.
5. You announced you were leaving Sales for a new position as a software engineer
Remind Jeff that it was his elementary tutorial on “HTML” that really got you into computers in the first place! Without him, you never would have taught yourself to code in only six weeks. Explain that you will only be a few steps away in another cubicle and he can stop by whenever he wants to share a new fart joke he just heard. If Jeff starts to cry and threatens to take a stapler to his head, give him a used pair of your panties to calm him down. Apologize for the promotion–you didn’t want it!–And complain how feminism is ruining everyone’s work-life balance. Remind your work husband you’ll see him at the next all-hands but you won’t be able to text jokes back and forth as usual now that things are heating up with your new work-wife, Celia. Celia has a real knack for front end development, if you know what we mean. Also, she listens!
Hannah Rothblatt is a writer and producer in NYC. She is producer on the Emmy-nominated digital team at Full Frontal with Samantha Bee. Hannah is an alum of two house sketch teams at Upright Citizens Brigade. You can follow her on Instagram @babkabebe.
