11 Games to Help You Adult
What better way to learn to navigate the terrible waters of adulthood than by playing updated classic games of your youth?
1. WORDS WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS — Hang out, play Scrabble, and have sex, then follow up with awkward conversations about things like what it would be like to date various characters from The Avengers. Or, even –and we’re just spitballing here — each other. Hypothetically. Players can hook up with friends by username, through Facebook, or they can be randomly assigned a partner through the “Regrettable Matching” option.
2. PANDEMIC 2019! You’ve contracted four diseases and a team of hard-to-schedule, not-in-your-plan specialists must cure you before you turn 26 and are kicked off your parents’ insurance. Watch out for bands of roving anti-vaxxers who can slow down your progress by pummeling you with nearly-eradicated diseases, phony data, and vials of essential oils.
3. JUST PANTS — Get points for performing the most basic daily tasks without succumbing to your crippling anxiety or your chronic Weltschmerz. Earn gold stars for upholding your end of the social contract by completing tasks such as: getting into the shower, getting out of the shower, engaging in polite conversation with your Lyft driver, and attending your coworkers’ semi-regular “Tapas n’ Trivia” nights. Collect enough gold stars and you’ll get to go home, crawl under your weighted blanket, and binge watch Veep.
4. GUY’S STUDENT LOAN GROCERY GAMES — Race through the supermarket to stock up on ramen packets and off-brand toilet paper before your student loan officer spots your frosted tips and takes your last five bucks. The road to Flavortown is lots of fun when it’s paved in your own tears.
5. RISK: GLOBAL WARMING EDITION — Take over the world — or what’s left of it — in this game of strategic conquest. Conquer enemy territories by building an army and engaging in battle on increasingly limited livable spaces. Acquire oceanfront property in the middle of Western America! Defeat armies of polar bears looking for new habitats in Northern Europe! The game ends when one player occupies every territory or the entire planet dies, whichever comes first.
6. GO FRIEND YOURSELF — Aim your Resting Bitch Face at all the trolls in your life from catcalling creeps on the bus to Gerald from marketing when he interrupts you during the department meeting to repeat exactly what you just said. Each level ends with the Hashtag Bonus Round where you test your ability to engage in a series of online arguments from “Not All Men” to “When Is International Men’s Day?” to “Make Me a Sandwich.”
7. OLOGOPOLY — A back-room real-estate board game for two to eight players. Select a tycoon and lobby your way to a better America under the control of you and a few of your monocle-wielding friends.
8. GET A CLUE — You’ve been ghosted and now must determine who and what killed your relationship. Move strategically to collect clues about what your ex is up to these days by sending agonizingly breezy text messages, scrolling through their Instagram account, and awkwardly questioning other players who are still hanging out with your former lover.
9. SORRY! (NOT SORRY!) — Slide, collide, and score as a woman on this planet to win the game of Sorry! (Not Sorry!) Navigate a never-ending stream of think pieces about empowerment with only your word-of-the-year bracelet to protect you from all the people with the best intentions who tell you to be you. But watch out! Once you do or say something or nothing Sorry! Time to apologize! And if you apologize for something that’s not your fault, you really should apologize to yourself. Don’t you want what’s best for you? Not Sorry!
10. CALL OF DUTY: CLASSROOM — In this first-person POV game, you’re a class mom bringing treats to your child’s kindergarten party when a deranged shooter opens fire. Can you save any of the kids when your only defense is legislators’ thoughts and prayers?
11. THE GAME OF LIFE — This new edition has thousands more questions than the version our parents played: Will I get to retire before I’m 90? Will I ever be able to pay off my student loans? If I get sick, can I afford medicine, food, and rent? How can I have meaningful relationships when I’m stuck in a career track working with small, plastic people? Why is this all so terribly devoid of meaning? No one really knows how to win this game, except Beyoncé, and she’s not telling.
Jackie Pick is a former teacher and current word monkey living in the Chicago area. She is a contributor to several anthologies, the literary magazines The Sun and Selfish, and the website Humor Outcasts. Her essays have won commendations from the Mark Twain House and Museum Royal Nonesuch Humor Writing Competition and the WOW! Women on Writing Nonfiction Essay Contest. You can follow Jackie on Twitter if you are so inclined.
