10 Things Babies Could Do That Would Impress Me More Than Walking

Read this list, you baby

Maddie Weigelt
The Belladonna Comedy
2 min readSep 23, 2019

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Wow … impressive stuff, baby. You can wear a hat.

Oh your baby just took its first steps? Cool. Color me unimpressed. If you’re baby really wants to impress me show them this list.

1. Here’s a start to “wowing” me: read this list, you baby.

2. Forget about walking. Run a marathon. Let’s see how fast you run without your little baby kicks since you are so keen on kicking them off.

3. Successfully run an independent party campaign. If you think you’re so clever try taking down our two party system, then we’ll talk.

4. Wear anything that’s monochromatic. Show some restraint in your fashion choices every once and a while. Not everything has to be dinosaur themed.

5. Say a word that’s not mama or dada. You babies have been getting off easy for years now, impressing people with your first word and making one parent happy yet jealous at the same time. Here’s a word for you: non sequitur.

6. You know what else would impress me? Getting a signed picture with Jason Segel. Mainly because like, what is he even working on right now? So you’re going to have to do some research to figure that one out. And secondly, because you have to ask for an autograph and that seems like a challenging word for your…

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Editor at Slackjaw. Writings on McSweeney’s, Slackjaw (obviously), The Weekly Humorist, The Belladonna, Points In Case. https://maddieweigelt.wixsite.com/hello