10 Things All Aquarians Who Are Wanted for Arson Know to be True

For when the fire of creativity burns within you, and the fire you just set burns because of you.

Let’s face it — Aquarius is one of the most misunderstood Zodiac signs. And arsonist is one of the most misunderstood criminals. So when you’re both, sometimes it can feel like no one gets you!

Well, guys, I hear ya loud and clear. And believe me, I know #thatfeel. That’s why I believe it’s time to be loud and proud and celebrate everything about us: we’re wild, lovable, crazy, dangerous goofballs. We are born under Aquarius and we are fond of burning commercial and private buildings to the ground!

1. You’re the first person to admit that you’re a bit of a dreamer. You’re constantly thinking of new ideas, big and small: a trip you want to take, a company you want to start, a company whose headquarters you want to burn down because they are conveniently within walking distance of your home so you won’t have to drive there and won’t risk your license plate being spotted as you flee the scene of the crime. So, yeah, your head’s in the clouds! So what?
2. Because of this, people tend to find you cold and distant. But you’re not a robot! It’s just that you don’t like talking about the emotions deep inside you because it hurts to be vulnerable. And you don’t like talking about how watching the old mill building off route 126 go up in flames filled you with a rage and rapture that you struggle to name. Because no one would get it, and that’s scary. You’re a sensitive snowflake, okay?
3. When you DO fall in love, you fall in love too quickly — with people, with ideas, with 30-gallon drums of kerosene.
4. You are careful about who you let in — but fiercely loyal to the friends you have. You’re a prickly person, and don’t trust easily — but the friends you DO have, you guard with your life. Your BFFs are important to you, and let’s just say, anyone who hurts your gal pals better make sure their fire alarms have fresh batteries ;-) and their renters insurance is up to snuff ;-) and they have a go bag ;-) and are not vulnerable to being framed for insurance fraud ;-)
5. You have a bad case of the wanderlust. No matter how good the here-and-now is, there’s a great big world out there and you want to see it and burn it right to the ground.
6. You are fiercely independent. Yes, you keep your friends and confidantes close. But in the end, you know how to take care of yourself. And if you need to cut ties with your family because your “mother” is beginning to suspect that you are the one responsible for setting fire to every strip mall Kohl’s within a 50-mile radius over the course of the last three years, is she really a “mother” at all?
7. You care about facts and information. What can you say? You’re hyper-logical. You spend time in the library. In every friend group you’ve ever been in, you’re the Hermione. You are, dare I say it, kind of a nerd? But you never shy away from life’s toughest questions, like “should I light a fire in the basement to make it look accidental and cast suspicion off myself, or should I take advantage of the holes in the sheetrock on the first floor that have exposed the flammable wall studs, thus increasing the likelihood of a spread like I’ve never created before?”
8. You like to be right. And it can get you into a rough spot sometimes. See, you like new information, but you can dig your heels in at times. You’re stubborn as hell. So when you get an idea into your head — like going into business school, or burning down every administrative building in town to finally bring this city to its knees — you can be a little hard to stop! Especially when you know that facts, logic, and the screeching voice that hoots and hollers in bliss at the smell of acrid smoke and charred memories are on your side.
9. You embrace change, and can be unpredictable. Those who know you know you’re a bit of a wild child. One minute you’re in your living room and hanging with friends, and the next you’re nonchalantly heading in the bathroom to retrieve the backpack filled with matches, lighter fluid, a change of clothes, $20,000 in cash, and the documentation for your new identity from its hiding place in your linen closet, opening the window, shimmying down the drainpipe, and breaking into a run to set your plan in motion. Yes, your friends might get a little bit impatient as they knock on the door to see if you’re okay, only to find the window open and you gone. They may roll their eyes in knowing exasperation when they receive texts from their concerned relatives saying “R U Ok?” and “Annie please call me I heard that City Hall, the courthouse, the DMV and department of education are all up in flames” and “the police station is on fire, is your terrible friend up to her same shit again? goddammit.” But that’s just the way you are, and everyone — your friends, your “mother,” the civil employees of the city where you live, and the person you just carjacked — are going to have to DEAL.
10. You are a little too passionate sometimes. When you’re an Aquarius, better get used to people calling you “too much!” That’s because you stick to your guns, feel strongly about your convictions, and need to be right. And when you’re an arsonist — doubly so! You stick to your guns because you have a lot of enemies chasing you, and now that you’ve crossed state lines in a stolen car it’s low-key an FBI issue, and if you die in a hail of gunfire in a motel parking lot you might as well fight back. And you feel strongly about your convictions because you would like not to be convicted of a string of arsons that, TBH, you totally committed! Lol. Sorry, not sorry. #TotalAquariusMove.

Kelly Dickinson is a friend to small creatures. @kickinson on twitter.